A Little Thing Called Loss

Not gonna lie, lately my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF. It feels like a weighted blanket, but instead of soothing me, it’s smothering me. The thing is, I’ve spent the better part of the last decade experiencing loss in some form. Loss of trust, relationships, self, hair, happiness...the list goes on and on. The sensation of loss has always been such a constant in my life that it has become a toxic normal.  

Now, in the midst of a pandemic, where loss is everywhere, I’m seemingly loss-free. I am so grateful for this, but also so scared of it too. All week I’ve been feeling this crushing fear that I’m due. That it’s my time to feel pain again. As much as I try to channel my inner Brene Brown and push those thoughts out of my head, they’ve taken residence in my brain and I feel that fear in every inch of my body all day every day.

I had been planning on writing this post all week, but I had no idea what was to come this weekend. Perhaps my anxiety came from Spirit, the Universe, God, or my Angels preparing me? Or maybe it was all a coincidence. I’m still struggling to wrap my brain around it.

On Saturday I accompanied my bf to his eye appointment. I left to do a little shopping and when I returned there was a patient lying on the floor in the middle of the lobby. The rest is a blur of panic as it became clear he was in extreme distress. Next thing I knew, I was watching my boyfriend perform CPR. I think I was yelling “Come back to us, please come back to us”, or maybe I was just screaming that in my head? He was a stranger, but my god did I need him back. I needed him to open his eyes and make it through. I was begging God to keep him with us.

The paramedics took over and soon after they left, we learned that this gentleman had crossed over. This was my first time seeing someone pass right in front of me.

I don’t know who his friends or family are, but I wish I could tell them that in his last moments he was surrounded by people who were in his corner. Everything that could have been done to keep him with us was done. I witnessed my boyfriend and an assistant doing absolutely everything in their power to save this man’s life.

While I didn’t know you Robert, I will hold you in my heart forever. You are a part of my life now and I will always think about you. What were you like, what made you laugh, what were your interests, what are you up to in heaven? I had no idea that the loss I was about to feel was going to be you. I will pray that you are at peace. Please know that there is a group of strangers here in Colorado who will think of you often and hope you are shining bright up above.