Alopecia Unleashed My Inner Diva - Lady Alopecia Guest Post

Friends, I’d like to introduce you to Lady Alopecia! I am so honored to have her take over my blog today with this AMAZING post! It won’t take long for you to figure out exactly why I am BEYOND excited to have this funny, inspiring, glitter fueled, radiant spirit guest post on my page. Lady Alopecia, your confidence and light shine through in the words you share. Thank you for being a part of my blog, and most importantly thank you for being such a wonderful and supportive baldie friend! xoxoxoWhen I was growing up, my hair was a big deal. Strangers would ruffle it. Relatives would ask where the hell it had come from (cue the milkman jokes) and I’d often get stopped in the street for some randomer to tell me how unusual it was. How lucky I was to have such beautiful auburn curls.Unsurprisingly, I grew pretty attached to my hair.So when it decided to detach itself from me, the person who’d given it a home for 10 years, it felt like a big ol’ slap in the face.Being a teenager with alopecia was tough. I was in boarding school and… well… bitches aren’t always cute dogs, right?! I got very good at shrinking, at hiding, at making myself invisible. I was pretty tall but managed to fold in on myself most of the time.Still, at least the patches weren’t too bad back then. I had them under control.But later, in my mid-20s, the patches grew bigger and bigger. Taunting me – the more I’d try to hide them, the more they’d reveal themselves.After a few years of wig wearing, I decided that I was sick of hiding my alopecia, of feeling like I was hiding my true self, too. So I did what any rebellious soul would do – I made a statement. I told alopecia to f**k right off and stop controlling my life. And I pulled a Britney and shaved my head.I thought I’d feel strong, liberated and fierce afterwards.But instead I felt weak. And scared. And very very bumpy-headed.As kids we used to have a “board race” during our school’s Sports Day. Basically, you’d have to balance a board, about the size and weight of a hardback novel, on your head and walk as fast as you could to the finish line. Like if America’s Next Top Model did relay races – only the straight-backed, flat-headed stood a chance.Anyway, as I clapped eyes on my shiny new bald look, I realised why I’d never made it more than a few steps with that damned board! Because a bump the size of an egg rose out of my already egg-shaped head. I was like a novelty Easter egg. What had I done?!Still, I’d made the decision to stop wearing wigs and I was sticking to it. And so I began rocking my bald head out, free from wigs or headscarves, for the first time in 8 long years.Embracing the bald was a big risk, sure – but it definitely paid off. The support I received was phenomenal and I began feeling more comfortable in myself than I’d ever been, even with a full head of hair.One of the best moments was returning to choir. A community choir that sang soul music (and wore a lot of sequins!), made up of women and men from all walks of life. When I joined the previous year, I knew I’d found my tribe and Wednesday evening rehearsals were the highlight of my week. After all, how can you feel down when blasting out Try a Little Tenderness with some of the warmest, most inspirational people you’ve ever met?They’d only known me with my wigs and headscarves so I was nervous going back into that room. But the flurry of hugs and the amazing words I received lifted me right up. I laughed and joked about my baldiness and for the first time, I learned to speak openly about my alopecia without welling up.Over the next few weeks, I got so used to my new look that I forgot all about it at times! Until I’d glimpse a pale beach ball bobbing past a shop window and I’d realise it was just my reflection. Oh well.The funny thing was, once I’d accepted my alopecia, my hair grew back!Tentatively, a downy fuzz spread across my scalp. Within a few weeks, I was less of a Mr Potato Head, more of a Donald Duck. Until eventually I had a head full of the short stuff…… For a grand total of 2 months. Then a sneaky patch popped up on the back of my head. Which spread...and spread...and you can guess the rest. This time, I took control early on. I went to the hairdresser, asked her to shave my remaining hair into a mohawk style and embraced my new look.And you know what? I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out! Because I’ve finally found my own voice, my own style, instead of trying on others’ for size.Example 1I’ve always been partial to a bit of glitter – even more so when I joined that choir. But shaving my head gave me permission to stop playing safe and to start afresh. To use my bald head as a blank canvas for all kinds of colourful creations.Nowadays, I decorate my mohawk with flowers, feathers, fairy lights… you name it, I’ve tried it. My friends even know me as The Glitter Fairy. And I carry a vial of the shiny stuff in my bag at all times. Just in case. ;)Example 2Festivals are my favourite things on earth. I used to go to them with flowery headbands, or a colourful wig if I was feeling particularly cray-cray. And now? I spend the entire 3 days in a range of elaborate costumes – homemade wigs, sequinned wings, elaborate fake eyelashes made for drag queens but claimed by me… let’s just say, I’m no longer trying to hide!The thing is, I’ve spent so much of my life trying to blend in. But now that I’ve accepted my alopecia, even learned to love it in some ways, I’m happy to stand out.Sure, there are days when I get sick of the attention.Like when I’m sweating like crazy, cycling in 100° heat and an entire cafe of Vietnamese people turns to point and laugh at my shiny head (mohawks don’t stand too proudly in the heat). Just like there are times when I’d give anything to complain about a bad hair day.But having alopecia has led to so many positive experiences. And it’s made me braver in every sense. Not just dealing with this shitty condition and with all it entails – but being able to put myself out there, to not worry what people think and to express myself in whatever way I choose. Sometimes the experiment pays off; other times I look less like Furiosa and more like Sideshow Bob. But that’s all part of the adventure, right?!After all, the Björks and the Grace Joneses of this world don’t shy away from the limelight. Or from their wonderful weirdness, their need to embrace and display the strange. They’re the people who inspire me to connect with my inner diva. And to help others embark on their own shiny, glitter-filled journey.That’s why, bald and bold, hairfree and carefree… I’m proud to be Lady Alopecia.Connect with Lady Alopecia:Lady Alopecia is a copywriter, yoga teacher and alopecian currently living in Hoi An, Vietnam. Read more about her adventures on her website or follow her on Instagram. 

Thank You Mom

Dear Mom,I would have never gotten through this alopecia adventure without you. When I felt like giving up, you were always in my corner. Through my tears you would always tell me that you wished you could have alopecia instead. You would have taken every ounce of hair loss and pain I was experiencing to give me my happiness back. You always used your motherly senses to know exactly when my low days were back. When the darkness was creeping back in. Even when I was trying to give an academy award winning performance of hiding my sadness, you always sensed it. I could facetime you and tell you I was fine 10000 times in a row, but those conversations were always followed up with texts like, “Hi Sup. You sounded low today. Call later if you want to talk.” Short, simple, but so meaningful and exactly what I needed to hear. I always feared my sadness was a burden, but you made it clear that my happiness is all that mattered to you. You were all the way in Ohio, but you did everything to let me know you were there for me. You would have hopped on a plane the second I needed you. You made sure the cost of wigs was never something I’d have to worry about. You and Dad did everything you could to help me get my happiness back. I couldn’t have done it without you Mom. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. I would have given up, but instead I am thriving. Thank you, Mom. I wish every child in the world could have a Mom like you. I feel so lucky to have you! Love you so much!Sup

Off To The Races

Once upon a time, I was an avid endurance runner. You know the kind. I was one of those people who thought it was fun to spend a Saturday morning running 13.1 miles to get a medal, all the glory, and a sweet gram pic of me crossing the finish line with my hands in the air waving around like I just don’t care. I had a very standard race day look:1. Nike running crops2. Athletic running top (the long-sleeved purple target option for cold runs)3. Brooks running cap4. New balance running kicksI’d throw my hair into a pony and off I’d go. It was through these races that I met a fellow running loon, Troy. I was running a Kooky Spooky Halloween ½ marathon and noticed a runner who seemed to be having the TIME OF HIS LIFE. He was singing along to his tunes, snapping selfies, posing for the race course photographers. Through the power of Instagram hashtags, I found his account. After that race, we would frequently bump into each other at future races. Troy knew the pre-alopecia Supriya and all of her pony tail glory. Fast forward to the hot chocolate 15K in October of 2015. This was my first race post alopecia. I had decided that I would just maintain my normal race day look sans pony. At this point, I wasn’t comfortable working out in a wig. I only had my Follea, and there was no way I was wearing that piece for a run. I could barely ride in a hot car without it turning my entire head into a fountain of sweat. I decided to just plop a cap on my bald head and go. I figured, it would look just like I had my hair pulled back in a pony tail anyhow. The art of deception! The race started, and my friend Michelle and I took off. The hot chocolate is a blast of a race. Snacks and treats throughout the entire course and a piping hot bowl of chocolate fondue at the finish line. The best part of running is the food! Am I right?! In typical Denver running addicts anonymous fashion, I saw Troy throughout the race. In typical Troy fashion, he snapped many fun “runfies” (runner selfies for you non-running folk). When the race completed, I received notifications that I had been tagged in some of Troy’s photos. I excitedly scrolled to the pics and froze. I wanted to throw up. It did not look like I was wearing my hair pulled back in a pony tail. It looked like I was the baldest of bald chicks who slapped a hat on her head to hide it. I panicked. I hadn’t publicly told anyone other than my close circle that I was bald. I was so scared that someone would see me in these pics and my secret would be out. I untagged myself and cried like I often did at the beginning of my alopecia journey. I wanted the old days back. The days where I could feel my pony tail bouncing on my back, while I attempted to PR a run. The days where I felt like I looked like a bad ass in every race pic. This was the first time I felt embarrassed and ashamed of what I had allowed myself to look like on the race course.  I recently reconnected with Troy and he was kind enough to send me these pics. When I look at them now, I realize something…I do look like a bad ass in these. I look strong, I look healthy, I look happy! I look like I’m doing something that not a lot of people can do and loving the shit out of it. I look the way anyone should look when they are running a race with HOT CHOCOLATE in the title. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now. It is just another reminder that hindsight is 20/20 with alopecia. In the hardest moments its so hard to see anything other than BALD, BALD, BALD. It is so hard to look in a mirror or look at a photo and think positive thoughts. It is so easy to look at yourself and call yourself ugly. It is easy because you actually feel those things. It is not until you take a step back and let yourself heal that you start to see things for what they are. Beauty is not hair. Beauty is loving yourself the way you are. Beauty is the times you stayed strong when you didn’t think you could last for another second. Beauty is when you can find happiness and peace within yourself as you are. To all my baldie boos who aren’t there yet, please keep fighting to get there. I was you too!! I didn’t think happiness was ever going to be in the cards again. I didn’t think I’d every be okay with alopecia. I didn’t think that this day would ever come, but it did!! This means it will come for you too!! Keep the faith! xoxoxo

Brows Or Bust

You guys. I’ve been sick as hell this past week. I thought I could push through and force this thing out of me until Friday night hit. I had the energy of a sea slug riding the struggle bus. I went to bed with the chills and woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I got up to pee and ended up laying on the bathroom floor covered in sweat. When I woke up, I took my butt to the urgent care and got myself some antibiotics. I proceeded to spend the rest of my Saturday horizontal. I cannot remember the last time I was so worthless. Walking to the kitchen took all of my energy and I could barely eat. Luckily the antibiotics seem to be working because I woke up Sunday morning feeling better. By better I mean that I can stand for 5 minutes without requiring a chair and/or bed to crash in. I’m still far from 100%, but I think it is safe to say I am on the mend. *knocks on wood* My boyfriend was getting ready to take me to urgent care when I said, “Wait let me draw on my eyebrows first!” I walked my feeble body to the bathroom and did some speed eyebrow drawing. I also slapped on some mascara for good measure. Did this make me look any better? HECK NO. I still looked sick AF because I was sick AF! So, I have to ask myself why?! It was literally 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday. What was I so scared of?? First of all, half the world is barely awake at 7:15 on a Saturday. They surely aren’t at the urgent care. Second of all, who cares if they are?! If they are there, they are likely dealing with their own medical issue and could care less if I drew on my eyebrows that day. Lastly, if someone did see me in this state, it would most likely be a stranger so why does it even matter? It is in passing. It is someone who I may see for a few minutes and will never see again for the rest of my life. Why was it SO important for me to put on brows and mascara? I don’t really have an answer for this. I think it is just one of my underlying alopecia insecurities. Maybe one day I will give no fucks and not give it a second thought, but today I still give some fucks and brows and mascara is as minimalist as I get.

Wigs And Insurance

Every now and then I have dreams that my hair has grown back. Last night was one of those nights. My hair was back and I was so excited that it was FINALLY long enough to wear in a sloppy bun! For whatever reason Miley Cyrus was also in my dream and she was stoked for me. Needless to say, I woke up with no sloppy bun and no hype girl Miley. Shoot! Today I wanted to write about alopecia and insurance. When I lost all of my hair, I was shocked to find out my insurance did not provide coverage for wigs. After some research I learned that this is an all too common thing in the alopecia world. Apparently having your immune system attack all of your hair follicles leaving you with less hair than you had at birth is not reason enough to provide coverage. It is cruel and so completely unfair. Especially since human hair wigs typically cost $1000+ on a good day. Reality is that most HH wigs are at least $2000 - $5000 depending on length, density, and cap. If you want a cap that adheres to your scalp without tape or glue, you have to shell out the big bucks. The human hair wig industry is designed for the rich and fabulous, but alopecia doesn’t give a crap about your income bracket. So, what should you do? Try to get your insurance to pay for it even if they say they won’t! I’m not saying that this will work for everyone, and even if they decide to pay, it is very likely that they will only pay a percentage. Either way, money is money and its worth a shot! I submitted a claim for my first wig and ended up getting 6% back! This sounds like nothing, but my first wig was expensive AF and 6% was WAY better than nothing. Especially since insurance said they’d cover 0. Here is what you should do:• Get a prescription or a letter from your doctor explaining the reason why you need a cranial prosthesis. This should include a diagnosis code.• Purchase your wig from a salon that knows how to create an insurance friendly invoice. The receipt should not say ‘wig’ anywhere on it. Your purchase should be billed out as a ‘cranial prosthesis’ (because that is exactly what it is).• The salon will need to include the proper insurance code along with their Tax ID.• Submit the claim and hope for the best!• If they deny it, CALL! Call and talk to supervisors or whoever you need to until they understand that this is not a normal claim. My claims have always been denied until they get sent to the complex billing department. Be your own advocate! A no does not always mean no. To me a no just means you haven’t talked to the right person in the department who can help.After my first wig, my company’s insurance switched over and they now offer partial coverage. Even so, it has taken me months to get each claim processed correctly. Each time it is initially denied. Then after months of phone calls it gets approved and processed. Every. Single. Time. This is why I say you MUST be your own advocate!! For me, beautiful wigs helped me with my healing. If it weren’t for Follea, Yaffa, and Shuly, I don’t think I’d be at this place of peace that I am. I want insurance to get on board with helping every alopecian get to this same place of peace by eliminating that financial hardships that come along with hair loss. My hope is that one day they will hop on board, but until then keep fighting for yourselves friends!

Me + Google = Bad News Bears

This week has been a whirlwind of stress stemming from a visit to the rheumatologist. I had my first appointment with a new rheumatologist last week. Long story short, I’ve been having a lot (some days excruciating) pain in my neck. Occasionally I notice a bit of numbness in my hands as well. Since its pretty common for a person with one autoimmune disease to have multiple, I asked my primary care doc to run a rheumatoid arthritis panel just in case. Nothing indicated I had RA, but there was a lab value that was a bit off and my doc recommended I go to a rheum. I instantly loved my rheumatologist. She was so attentive and patiently listened to my hodge podge of weird symptoms. She made the decision to run a whole gamut of labs and take some x-rays of my hands and neck just to make sure everything was a-okay. About 10 vials of blood later, I was on my merry way to finish my day. As most practices do these days, my rheum had a patient portal. Like any sane (by sane I mean nutball) human would do, I started checking the portal ~58 times a day to see if my labs had populated. Thursday at 3pm I noticed they were there!! I assumed that I had a clean bill of health since no one had called. As I scanned the results, I noticed two tests that stood out. The first was an ANA (anti-nuclear antibody) test that was marked as “positive/abnormal”. The second was an anti-dsDNA (anti-double stranded DNA) that had the result “high”. Like any rational (again by rational I mean nutball) non-medical professional would do, I went to the googles. I had to know IMMEDIATLEY what these results meant and I started my research. Welp by 4pm on Thursday I had diagnosed myself with Lupus. No matter which way I tried searching, everything with a positive ANA and a high anti-dsDNA meant Lupus. I was convinced. I even shed a couple tears because according to google, Lupus could be livable or it could be terrifying as fuck. Friday, I called my doctor at 8am on the dot and left a message with her MA. In my most calm and collected voice, I politely left a voicemail asking for a callback to discuss my labs. I assumed they were going to call me soon anyhow to drop the bomb. An hour passed, then 2, then, 4 on and on. At 2pm I called again. To give a friendly reminder that I was waiting for a callback. While in my head my wheels were spinning a mile a minute. I literally spent 90% of the day googling these labs and googling Lupus trying to figure out if my self-diagnosis was true of false. Remember when I told you I’m a nutball? Facts people. Facts. At 4:15 my doctor called me back. Turns out she was waiting on one other test result before calling me. She was hoping they would have come in before she called, but they hadn’t. She started to list of everything that was good about my labs. My stomach started to sink. I knew this drill. It is like management 101. When you’re giving an employee feedback, you’re supposed to tell them all the good things first before you clobber them with the bad. That’s what this had to be right? Finally, she got to the two tests I was dreading. Do you want to know what she said? She said, “These numbers are slightly elevated but it’s nothing to be worried about at this time.” If I wasn’t sitting passenger in my BF’s car, I would have probably done a standing back tuck. Well at least I would have imagined myself doing one in my head. I immediately told her about how I had spent the last 24 hours living in the google hole. She profusely apologized for waiting to call. I couldn’t be upset, because it made sense that she wanted to wait for all labs prior to calling. She had no idea how much experience I have interweb sleuthing. During our first visit, I mentioned to her that I have anxiety. I think she severely underestimated just how panicked my anxiety can make me. Ooops! I did get some very interesting feedback though. She said my cervical spine (where I have most of my pain) looked off (well she used a fancier medical term) on the x-ray. She asked the radiologist about it and he said it looked like I had experienced some sort of blunt force trauma. A car accident or a fall of some sort. Then it hit me. Back in 2015 I took a horrible fall during CrossFit. My hands slipped off the pull-up bar while doing a movement called toes to bar. I flew off the bar and landed on concrete. My lower back hit first and then my head/neck followed. The ER had scanned my lower back, but never my neck. It is very likely that the pain issues I’m experiencing now are a result of that. I will be getting an MRI soon, and will have more info to report to all of you at that point. For today, I am celebrating that google and I were as wrong as can be. I am celebrating that the only major autoimmune disease I have to deal with is one that ONLY takes my hair. How lucky that I can have my health in all other aspects. As for the labs and the future, welp I’m not totally sure. We are going to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t spike. If they do, then I will cross that bridge when I get there. For now, I will continue counting my blessings and continue living my best bald life.

Dating In The City

Last week my mindset was all off and I spent an entire weekend being jealous of every girl with hair on Instagram. On Monday I reset my noodle. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been so caught up with life and trying to figure out next steps that I’ve let gratitude journaling go on the back burner. Now I’m back at it AND I downloaded a gratitude app to help me focus on the things I DO have throughout the day. I may not have hair, but I surely have a lot of other things going for me. I know some people think law of attraction and gratitude is mumbo jumbo, but for me it has always helped me turn my frown upside down. Today I wanted to write a post about everyone’s favorite topic…DATING with alopecia…dun dun duuuuun. I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never been a good dater. In the past I’ve been told I have a “broken picker”, but the reality of the situation was that my picker was broken, twisted, and backwards with a mind of its own. If you followed my blog from day one, you know that alopecia entered my world at the end of a very toxic relationship. Boy bye. Hair bye. Rude! In my opinion, this is no coincidence. I’m not going to say I was perfect because I was far from it and I made some massive mistakes. However, I probably would have avoided a ton of poor life decisions, heartache, disappointment, and hurt had I left many moons before the relationship combust. I pulled the classic girl move and stayed with the hope that he would eventually become the man he was man he was when we first. Has there ever been a relationship in history where this game plan actually worked? Why do we ladies always do this? I stayed when I was crying every day. I stayed when every day was filled with unbearable anxiety in anticipation for the next hurtful thing that was most certainly going to happen. I stayed when trust was broken, and bridges were burnt. I stayed when I completely lost myself and was acting out in ways that I can’t even believe were me. In ways that go completely against my core beliefs and morals. This toxicity imprinted on my body. My body handled the emotional strain until it couldn’t anymore and started to manifest the pain physically. I believe this is what triggered me to lose my hair. I believe the universe was grabbing be by the shoulders, violently shaking me to get my life together, and begging me to let go and move one. Begging me to fill my life with people who healed me and mentally cut this person out. I finally listened and moved the hell on! Thank you, little baby Jesus! After losing my hair, I assumed I’d be single for the rest of my existence. After losing my eyebrows, I completely gave up on ever finding a life partner. I could not imagine a man being okay with a chick who looked like a little brown alien when her hair and makeup came off. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror, so I couldn’t imagine a guy looking at me and thinking, “Oh yeah! Sign me up for that!” I had succumbed to the fact that the only men in my life would be pets. I got to a point where I even made peace with this. To me it was a win win. A pet couldn’t yell at me, put me down, lie to me, or stomp on my heart. Seemed like a no brainer!One day I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever. I think I always knew this, but I finally admitted it to myself. As many times as I joked that nobody wanted a bald/eyebrowless gal, I secretly hoped that there was a nice guy out there who did. I decided I’d join the millennials and download the apps. I tried a few…tinders, bumbles, coffee meets bagels etc. Downloading these apps made me realize I’m the WORST at online dating. I’ve never been the casual dating kinda gal, so having to form a connection with someone through an app was my worst nightmare. There was also the big bald elephant in the room. Should I be forthcoming about my hair loss on my profile? Should I post a bald pic? Should I tell the guy in our first message? Is it rude of me not to tell him? What happens after I share this fact? Is he going to ghost? Is he going to be mean to me? Is he going to tell me to keep my wig and makeup on at all times? Is he going to tell me I’m unattractive when I’m not done up? I was not used to dating good men, and I assumed the worst of the worst of every guy I swiped on. This is why I pretty much never swiped right. Every time I opened an app my head flooded with these concerns. Every now and then I would get enough courage to message with a guy, but I would immediately ghost before he had the chance to ask me on a date. I would tell my friends it was because the conversation was boring. The truth was that I was too scared to let myself be vulnerable and share my truth with a man who could hurt me. There was a time in my early 20s where I had men in my life who were so cruel to me about my weight. I remembered how badly it crushed me. Yet it was also something I could control. As unhealthy as this sounds, I knew I could lose weight if I never wanted a man to be mean to me about my weight again. However, I had no control over my alopecia. If a man was mean to me about my bald head, there was nothing I could do change it. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. It sounds so f’d up and it is. What I should have thought is, “If I a man is mean to me about ANYTHING, BOY BYE! See you never!” Instead I let these fears and insecurities hold me back from putting myself out there. After my 35th birthday (after much gentle nudging from my BFFs) I FINALLY said yes to going out with two different guys I matched with on good ol’ Tinder. I made the decision not to tell either of them about my alopecia before the date. Date 1Let’s call him Gaston. Dude…Gaston was very touchy. (red flag) Like bro back off touchy. We were at a non-boozy brunch on a Sunday afternoon. Keep your hands to yourself sir! I had been out of the dating game for so long that I didn’t know if this was what the kids were doing these days. We were sitting next to each other at the bar of a brunch place, and I moved my bangs out of my face. Welp his first instinct was to reach over and move my bang out of my face. In doing so, he immediately touched my wig and froze, and I froze. My sweat mustache instantly started beading up. He looked at me and said, “Are you? Is that a…” to which I responded by shouting “I HAVE ALOPECIA!!” Played it really cool cow girl. He quickly asked what alopecia was and I explained. I was a nervous wreck. It was not in my plan to talk about any of this. I was shocked to realize he was okay with it. He even said it was cool that I could change my hair up with and wear different styles anytime I wanted. I told him I wanted to get a short wig, and he said “No! I like my girls with long hair” (reg flag) Then he randomly said, “You know what, nobody is perfect. I’ll tell you something about me…………..I’m lactose intolerant.” YOU GUYS. HE WAS NOT KIDDING AROUND. He was comparing my hair loss to him getting the toots after eating cheese. (RED FLAG) Finally at the end of the date, he scooped me up like a small child in the parking lot. (red flag) So yeah, that was the end of that. Date 2Let’s call him Joe Camel. This guy was super nice. We met at a bar to grab a beer and just chatted and laughed the night away. He stopped the conversation to take off his hat and tell ME that HE was bald!! He wanted to warn me incase that was a deterrent!!! I was shook. I immediately responded with, “Well I have alopecia and I am bald too!!!” We had a laugh about it and just went on with the conversation. The date was very fun, but he was smoker (spew). He even left the date to smoke a cig. I wasn’t feeling a romantic spark, and this is why I declined a date two. He was a great guy though, and I’m sure he is out there making some gal happy now. Shortly after that, I threw in the towel on online dating. I would keep swiping here and there, but had completely lost interest in trying to connect with people via an app. Even though my first two dates were totally cool with my alopecia, my fears about people’s reaction to this disease paralyzed my dating progress. I bet you’re wondering how the heck I got me a man without online dating. Welllllll…that is a story for another day 😊 I will share a few things about him though! I’ve never in my life been with a man who is so sweet, kind, and caring with my heart. My cat LOVES him! He is my best friend and he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the entire world no matter what I look like. I could be done up to the nines or a hot mess morning alien face. He always makes me feel so loved no matter what and my heart is so full. I’d say my picker is finally fixed!! I want my fellow alopecians to know that there are good humans out there who WILL love you and all your alopecia beauty. Having no hair just gives you a leg up because you can quickly weed out the people who don’t genuinely care about you for you. If someone is awful to you about your hair loss, that is 10000000% a reflection on themselves and has NOTHING to do with you. When someone is kind and accepting, that is the kind of person you DESERVE to have! Don’t sell yourselves short and keep the faith!

I got the baldie blues

I’m having one of those weekends where I feel jealous of girls with hair. I am emotionally cutting and scrolling hair envy pics on Instagram that are causing a giant jealous knot to build in my stomach. Since starting this blog, I’ve found it easier and easier to be positive about this disease. I’ve met so many rad chicks and dudes who are killing the alopecia game. They inspire me daily and have helped me accept this for what it is. But today I’m just feeling annoyed. When this all started, I always assumed my hair would come back. Now, I am less than 2 months shy of my FOUR year goodbye hairaversary. You’d think by now I wouldn’t even care. Yet today I scrolled page after page on Instagram feeling envious. This feeling of envy was immediately followed by a feeling of guilt. Guilt because so many of my friends are going through medical journeys that are so much harder, so much scarier, so much more trying. Guilt knowing that I have my health yet am sitting here throwing a pity party for no good reason. So yeah, I suppose its just one of those days where my sensitivity is at a level 847 billion. What do my fellow alopecians do when you have the baldie blues?

Alopecian Working Woman

Imagine this. Your hair is falling out by the handful. There is not a second of the day that passes where hair is not falling all over you. Nothing is stopping it. All you want to do is curl up in a ball under a cover and hide from the world. But shit, you can’t do that. You’ve got to pull your life together and go to work. Heck man, you’ve got bills to pay! Doctor appointments are not cheap, and insurance will laugh at you for wanting to get your experimental treatments covered. This is life with alopecia. This was my life with alopecia.  I had been working at my job for 4.5 years when I lost my first handful of hair. In fact, I was getting ready for work when it happened. I was on a conference call the day I realized the hair on my arms was gone. I was in my office cafeteria when I tearfully begged my doctor’s nurse to squeeze me in for an appointment to figure out what the heck was going on. I was in my cubicle the first time somebody panicked when they saw me and thought I had cancer. I was at the doctor’s office an hour before going to work when I learned that my immune system had fully turned on me and was going to more than likely take all my hair. The point is, alopecia and my job had somehow become super intertwined.  So how the heck did I find a way to balance the struggles of work with the struggles of alopecia?1. I shaved the last of my hair and started wearing a wig. You can’t be distracted by hair falling on you when there is no hair to fall. Wigs can be a challenge and require their own adjustment period. They can get hot during the day, they can itch, they can feel uncomfortable. For me, it was worth it to just feel a bit more like myself. It was worth it to not have people see me as this Gollum looking chick on a quest for a ring, and see me as the way I used to (sorta) see myself.2. I found a coworker friend family. Basically, I have a hype squad. It is pretty lucky if you ask me. If I was having a day where the struggle of transforming into a little bald alien was making me want to cry, I had my pick of friend cubicles that I could duck into to shed a tear or 8000.3. I got help. My depression was the worst of the worst when this all went down. My morning ritual consisted of me taking a picture of my head to see if there were any changes and then crying. Taking a shower and losing disgusting amounts of hair under the water and then crying. Looking at my hair in the rearview mirror of my car and then crying. Getting to work and walking into a bathroom stall and then crying. You get the picture here. It was a year and a half of releasing enough tears to start my own bottled salt water business. Jokes aside, my mental health was completely shot. I had thoughts of wishing semi-trucks would hit me on my drive to work to end it all. It was that bad. Finally, I made the best decision of my life. I found a psychologist. Alopecia is such a crazy disease. It effects your hair, but it truly can take a toll on your mental health. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the posts I read in the alopecia support group I am in. I know this from the messages I receive on my Instagram. I know that so many of my fellow alopecians are struggling and are having the same if not worse thoughts. I’m telling you friends; a little therapy goes a long ass way. Especially if you are career driven. It will give you a way to deal with your emotional struggles so you can come into work and be your best you. I’m not talking about the fake smile on the outside, weeping on the inside you (case and point me). I’m talking about the real smile on the outside, mostly smiles on the inside, ready to make that money you. Alopecia is a jerk who can take your hair, but it should not be the thing that takes your promotion!! Plus, wigs are hella expensive and you’re going to need that promotion money if wigs are your jam. 😊 But seriously, please, please, please get help if you’re struggling with this disease. Life is too short, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have success, you deserve to have it all! I can’t emphasize this enough.4. I opened up. At first, alopecia was my big secret. My coworker hype squad knew, but nobody else did. I expended a lot of energy hiding. I was perpetually afraid that someone would figure it out. I felt guilty if someone complimented my hair because I knew it wasn’t MY hair, it was my wig. I lied and told people I got extensions when I got a new longer wig. I was so scared that people would notice that my hairline periodically shifted throughout the day. I was scared that I’d accidently wipe my drawn-on eyebrow off while sitting at my desk. I thought for sure someone would look at me and realize my eyelashes did not exist. Constant anxiety. Then one day, I shared my story on Facebook. I made post public, and many coworkers who weren’t my fb friends could see it. The support blew my mind. It makes me wonder what I was so afraid of. Let’s say hypothetically, someone chose to be mean or shitty about it. Doesn’t that speak more about them as a person than me as a baldie? Now a days I’m very open about my alopecia at work. The energy that I used to waste hiding my bald girl secrets, I can now use to grow my career. What I realized is that I am a strong independent woman who don’t need no bald secretes to succeed!! I share my story to help. I wish there was a one sized fits all solution for alopecia struggles. I wish I could wave a wand over all my struggling baldies out there and help you get to where I am now. Sadly, its just not that simple. It is a journey and it takes time to find your new normal at your job or elsewhere. Never forget that your emotions are valid, your struggle is valid, it is not just hair, and you deserve a great freaking life!!!!!! You deserve to go into work and crush your job. Even if you’ve lost your happiness and drive along the way, I truly hope you never give up the fight to find it. You will find it. This I can promise you. Lots of love to you all!! Love, your little Baldie Boo.

You Get A Wig! You Get A Wig!

Diamonds may be a girls best friend, but wig salons are mine. I took a little trip over to Littleton, Colorado to visit my dear friend Hana at Hana Designs. Her salon is so wonderful. You walk in and it feels like a trendy, but oh so cozy home. The salon is filled with unique furniture, jewelry, makeup, and wigs galore!! This trip was extra special because my boyfriend came with me. You heard that right. I’ve found a sweet soul that is sweet enough to be my partner in crime at a wig salon. My baldie heart couldn’t be more full! *swoon*I went to the salon to have a gloss treatment done on my Shuly wig. I like to do this a couple times a year. Living in Denver means I live in a very cracked skin, ashy elbow dry climate. Great for eliminating frizzy poofs, but can also make a human hair wig oh so dry. Getting these treatments will help extend the life of your wig and keep it looking so fresh and so clean clean. Hana recommends deep conditioning for newer wigs and gloss treatments for wigs that are close to or crossing the 1 year threshold.The best part about all of this is getting to try on all of the synthetic wigs while I'm waiting. Blonde, pixie, red head, grandma and everything in between. You name it, I tried it on this fun day!What do you think? Can you guess which one was the winner?
 
 

Shout Out To My Scary Face

This one is a shout out to what I kindly refer to as my “scary face”. The one that I’ve been most scared to share with anyone let alone the world. The one that felt unrecognizable even to me. The one that’s cried endless tears, felt endless guilt, and felt completely alone.I’ve apologized for this face when others have had to see it. I’ve looked at this face in complete disgust. Who is this? Where did I go? When will I come back? I’ve been angry at this face for being a part of me.This is a shout out to this face that didn’t give up on me. That held out hope when hope felt impossible. That just kept swimming when I was drowning. That slowly but surely became a part of me. That is a part of my story that I’m choosing to no longer hide. That is a part of my story that I am (dare I say) proud of.This is a shout out to my “scary face”. 

A Quest For Wigs

Finding the perfect wig can feel like a quest. I felt completely overwhelmed when I tried to figure out where to start. I was debating between using an online wig store, finding something on eBay, or going to an actual wig shop. After much debate, I decided I wanted to try before I buy. My first stop was a local wig Botik. I had two very different experiences here. The first was when I had some hair left and wanted to purchase a human hair topper. I walked into a small store FILLED with wigs of all styles and colors. I talked to a sales associate and explained my situation. She sat me down in a chair and placed the first option on my head. It was pretty, but on my head, it was heavy, thick, and didn’t feel like me. I asked her the price and almost fell over when she told me it was over $1000. I awkwardly asked her if she had anything under a grand. Up until this point, I had no clue that human hair wigs could be so pricey. I was in for a rude awakening LOL. My fellow alopecians know! The next piece she put on me felt perfect. It looked like my old hair, and that was all I wanted. To feel more like me. My second experience at Kim’s was not as good. It was a month after my first visit, and I had made a decision to shave the last of my hair and purchase a full wig. The sales associate sat me in a chair in the back of the store. I explained to her that I wanted a Follea gripper wig. I had done my research online and this seemed like the perfect fit. It had a silicone cap that “gripped” to a persons head. This meant no need for tape or glue and I was all about that life. She aggressively (and painfully) unclipped my topper taking many remaining hairs with it, and roughly plopped a Follea on my head. It felt a bit big and heavy, and the color was all wrong. I asked her if she was sure it was a gripper. She said yes and decided to yank the hair to prove to me it gripped. Ironically it slid back when she did. Probably because the cap was too big for me. I explained to her that the color was wrong. Rather than empathizing, or finding me a better solution, she told me that it would be fun to mix things up. She was extremely pushy and wanted me to buy something that was too big and the wrong color. Girl BYE. I told her I wanted to take some time to think about it and she immediately became very obviously irritated with me. It became clear that she was more concerned with making the sale than actually helping me. I left the store disappointed and unsure what to do next. It is kinda shitty when someone is trying to take advantage of your struggle to make themselves a quick buck. I left the store disappointed and unsure what to do next.I got to work that Monday and did some intense google searching. I found a salon called Hana Designs. Hana was a breast cancer survivor and had experienced hair loss herself from chemo. Her ratings were good and I decided to give it a shot. When I walked into the salon, my experience was completely different. It was an Aveda salon that was so cute and cozy. My friends Amelia and Riley were by my side to help me choose the perfect piece. Hana was so warm and welcoming and immediately made me feel at ease. Right away she took the time to understand my needs. After trying on many beautiful options, we decided Follea was definitely the way to go. My wig was purchased and my friends and I collectively named her The Duchess.

Follea Gripper Sport aka The DuchessAbout a year into rocking The Duchess, I started chatting with someone named Hannah in a Facebook group for women win hair loss. She had the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen, and I was shocked to learn that it was a wig! Hannah owned a salon in Florida that specialized in hair loss needs. She FaceTimed me and we instantly became friends. She was so easy to connect with and she shared her journey with trichotellomania with me. I knew right away that I wanted to order hair like hers from her. Enter my Yaffa. I flew all the way to Sarasota to pick this beauty up. I named my Yaffa her Princess Jasmine. She was long, luxurious, and stunning. Yaffa sewed in silicone panels which meant I could continue living my no tape/no glue life.
A year later, I had hit my insurance out of pocket max. I decided to get another wig because I thought it would be fully covered by insurance. I called up Hannah and she started looking for the perfect piece for me. This time she recommended a wig by Shuly. I had the utmost trust in Hannah and told her to order it. She shipped it to me and I was completely blown away. It was soooo beautiful. The coloring was amazing and the hair quality was unbelievable. I named her Lydia. Unfortunately my insurance did not cover the full cost of the wig. Either way, it was still so worth it to find my Shuly.
What’s next? If I had Kylie Jenner money, I’d be buying wigs left and right! Maybe that day will come, but for now I will just day dream about my next piece. I have my eye on the Shuly Fashionista because I really want something that is pretty naturally stick straight. Who knows though. I have a feeling that my wig quest will last as long as my body keeps me bald. I’m sure there will be many more fun and beautiful pieces to come!

My Treatment Journey

There are certain alopecia memories that are engrained in my brain. It had been a couple weeks of my hair falling out by the handful. I was denying that this was alopecia and believing it had to be something else that could be cured with a pill. I was realizing my arm hair had disappeared and finally admitting that yes this probably was my alopecia taking a terrible turn for the worse. I sat in my work cafeteria early one morning crying to my dermatologist’s nurse. I was in a panic and didn’t know what the hell was happening or how to stop it. Dr. Norris specializes in hair loss and he is not easy to schedule with. Typically, his appointments are booked a month + in advance, but I was frantic and she knew it. Somehow, I got insanely lucky and there was a cancellation this very week to fit me in. I got to the office a Thursday morning before work. I was wearing a tan and green striped sweater from Kohls. My stomach had 1 million knots in it. Although my hair was falling fast, it also had a weird buzz cut type feel to it underneath. It made me wonder if my hair could also be growing back? Please God, say it is growing back. The resident walked in, and I explained what was going on. I couldn’t finish my sentences without tears escaping. The resident looked at my hair and noticed the fuzz also. It was his theory that my hair was also growing back. He suggested I DO NOTHING and just let it run its course. LMFAO. I was in shock. How could he say DO NOTHING? He has no suggestions? No treatment plan? No nothing????? I needed Dr. Norris to come in ASAP. I wanted this resident gone from the room. I hated him. Dr. Norris came in and confirmed my worst suspicions. I was having a massive alopecia flare up. The fuzz I was feeling on my head was not regrowth, it was actually my hair breaking off, and I could expect that fuzz to possibly fall to. We were going to take action and start a treatment plan to get my immune system to calm the fuck down. Steroid injections (which had worked in the past) were no longer an option. With this level of loss, it would be insane to inject my head a billion times, and too many could cause my skin to thin out. There were no cures for alopecia, but there were experimental treatments. That is what we decided to do. He prescribed me prednisone and methrotrexate. I left the office scared, frustrated, tear soaked and alone. My treatment journey was starting.I was so desperate for my hair to grow back that I was willing to blindly pump any amount of chemical into my body to make it stop. Methotrexate is a type of chemotherapy when taken in high doses. My dosage was low and was not considered chemo. When combined with folic acid, it had some success with alopecia sufferers. I took this medication weekly. Once every Friday. I chose Friday because one of the side effects is that it can cause extreme fatigue for the 24 hours after taking it. That it did. It kicked my ass. However, the fatigue didn’t end for me after 24 hours. It carried on through the week. I felt tired and I felt weak all the time. I was an endurance runner who was used to running half marathons like it was nothing. Now I was struggling to even run 2 miles without stopping. I cared, but I didn’t care. I just wanted my hair back and wanted to push through until I got it.You may have heard me refer to prednisone as the devil drug in an earlier blog. I stand by that notion. We started the pred at a higher dose to quickly stop the inflammation in my body and slow down the loss. At first it somewhat worked. I was tapered off and immediately the rapid loss started again. Back on pred I went. Everyday popping this devil drug that made me hungry, made me moody, made me hate everyone and everything, made me bloated, made me gain weight. The side effects were endless.9 months into taking pred, I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt too unstable and all of the hair on my head was gone anyways. I talked to Dr. Norris and we agreed that we should go a new route. Goodbye prednisone, hello Vytorin. Vytorin is a cholesterol drug, but there are studies with alopecia patients who have experienced regrowth while taking it. The thing I learned about my body during this process is that I am extremely sensitive to medications. If there are side effects, I will likely experience them. My misery continued. The exhaustion I felt by taking methotrexate each week seemed to only increase with the Vytorin. I did not feel good ever. I felt weak, I had migraines almost everyday, I was mentally drained, and my hair was not growing back. I continued on this path for another 8ish months. At this point, the only hair I had left was my eyelashes. I finally decided it was no longer worth it.At my final appointment with Dr. Norris I explained how I felt. He completely understood. He explained that each person’s body responds so differently to treatment. His previous patient had seen significant regrowth taking the prednisone/methotrexate combo with no side effects, and I saw no regrowth with all of the side effects. I cried in his hair clinic one final time before heading home to throw in the towel.I will always be thankful for Dr. Norris. He never judged, he never pressured me, he was always understanding. He always took all the time in the world to answer my 85 million questions, and he wanted my regrowth as badly as I did.After that experience, I’ve made a decision that I will never pop a pill again to get my hair back. I have no judgement against others who do, but it is not the right option for me. Its not worth it to fill my body with chemicals just for hair. I don’t want to live with awful side effects for the rest of my life. I don’t want to risk an even more serious health problem by taking these medications long term. So, I’ve just decided to embrace this little bald body, rock the shit out of my wigs, and just keep on keeping on with this crazy ass disease.

Go Shorty...Its my Birthday!

You guys…it’s happened. I’m officially closer to 40 than I am 30. I suppose technically that happened when I was 35 and 1 day, but from my brain’s perspective it didn’t happen until yesterday. Dun dun dunnnn. If 36-40 is anything like this bday weekend, then I have nothing to be afraid of. *says this while knocking on wood*…*okay it is fake wood..Target night stands for the win* I spent Saturday turning up with 30 something of my favorite humans. We went to Howl at the Moon and danced our little booties off!! If you’ve never been to howl, it’s a dueling piano bar that has a club/dance partayyy feel. 10/10 recommend if you like to drop it like its hot and take jell-o shot out of syringes. 0/10 recommend for food. We ordered cheesy tots that tasted like frozen tots that were microwaved for 37 seconds and served with luke warm nacho cheese. Which is fine because who gives a shit when you can distract yourself by dancing to pianos playing Cardi B?!
These last few months I’ve tried to focus more on things I’m grateful for. I truly believe you can change your life if you shift your focus from bitching about the bad to being thankful for the good. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not Susie sunshine and rainbows 24/7 365, but I’m doing may best to push out negativity from my life as best I can. That is why I'm choosing 5 things about ALOPECIA that I am grateful for. I will always think this disease is a douche canoe asshole, BUT today is my quest for the silver lining!1. Faster than the speed of light…she is ready! – I can leave the gym sweaty as hell, and look fresh faced and ready to go in 30 min. I can do it in under 30 min if I just wipe the sweat of my dome and throw on a wig. When I had hair, there was literally no way to accomplish this without looking like a ratchet mess. Win!2. Aint nobody got time for shaving – Not having to shave is the biggest blessing of all time. I don’t have to worry that I will have stubble 30 seconds after getting goosebumps. I don’t have to consider getting a blood transfusion after slicing open my leg in the shower. I don’t have to start saving for laser hair treatment. I don't have to spend stupid amounts of money on razors each one. Badabing! Win!3. Maybe she was born with it…maybe its Maybelline – Before alopecia, my makeup skillz were mediocre at best. I’m by no means Ash Holm or anything now, but I've learned a smidge more about how this makeup shiz works. I’m no longer deathly afraid of fake lashes or red lipstick. Heck by the end of this year I may even learn how to contour my face!! Either way I'm having so much fun with it. Sooooo...WIN!4. I got friends in low places – I have made some of the BEST baldie friends on the planet through this disease. Literally humans I have never once met, but are my ride or dies. I am forever grateful for the people alopecia has brought into my world. Without them, I probably would have never made it to this place of healing. Win!5. My cupeth fulleth – This blog has brought so much damn fulfillment into my life. It’s given me a sense of purpose and a drive to do more and do better. It is a feeling that I always knew was missing, but never knew how to attain. As a friend once said to me, "When you go through something traumatic, first you grieve, and then you determine what you can take from it to serve yourself and serve others". I think I'm finally figuring it out. Win!I know this list is silly, and if you’re experiencing hair loss, there is a chance you are scoffing at the thought of a silver lining. If you had told me 3 years ago there would be a silver lining, I would have probably kicked you in the shin. Now, I am holding onto hope that you will find it glimmer of hope. Last year I witnessed a lot of hard things happen to a lot of good friends. It has shaken me to my core. I realize more than ever that life is TOO DAMN SHORT to be ungrateful. I’m going to continue working on being grateful and maybe you will too, or maybe you will tell me to go suck a bag of Ds. Either way lets go live our best lives boos!

Get Me Off This Ride

Hello my little boo thangs. On Friday I was chatting with my friend Zigs about this blog. Zigs has been one of my biggest blog supporters from the jump. She mentioned how crazy it was that she didn't know anything about alopecia until we became friends. It is kinda wild that something that impacts my life so deeply is also something a lot of people haven’t even heard of. Somehow, I did know about alopecia long before I was diagnosed with it. I’m not sure how exactly. If I had to guess, I’d say it was from a Seventeen or YM magazine article (you know you grew up in the 90s if you know what YM is), or maybe an episode of Oprah? You get a wig! You get a wig! Who knows, but I’m glad I get to be part of the movement to spread awareness now. Today’s post should be shortish and sweet. I want to take you back to Fall of 2016. Temps were dropping, leaves were turning, and my hair was growing back. Say whaaaaat? You heard me right. My hair was back bitch (insert Britney Spears giphy here). I don’t know if the rest of the bald population experiences this, but when I’m not wearing my wig, I’m rubbing my head allllll the time. It has become a nervous habit of sorts. I was so used to feeling nothing but skin that I was in shock the day I thought I felt a thin layer of peach fuzz. I grabbed my iphone and positioned myself in front of a mirror to snap a pic. Which is shockingly harder than one would think. I zoomed in and sure as shit there it was...REGROWTH! Up until this point, I assumed regrowth was an urban legend in the alopecia universalis world. Sure I had heard stories of people going into spontaneous remission and growing their hair back. Was it possible that I was about to become one of those people who got to tell the same tale? Each day I would take a new picture and each day there was MORE HAIR! I started to refer to it as my hair Yamaka because it bore a little resemblance to one. I was so scared that one wrong move would cause it all to fall out again. At the same time, I started to get excited. I imagined it growing long enough to get extensions, and never having to wear a wig again. I even had my hair extension specialist picked out. I followed her posts on Instagram excited for the day that I could make my appointment.

That year I went back to Ohio for Christmas and New Year. When I got back to Denver, it took approximately one week for all of my regrowth to fall out. One freakin week... Once again I felt betrayed by my body. It felt like such a cruel joke. I was so excited for 3ish months, and in one week it was all ripped away from me again. I don’t know if something happened during that Ohio trip that caused my body to freak the fuck out again, or if it was just completely random. I will never know.
That experience taught me that I do not want my hair to grow back unless there is a 1000000000% chance it will never fall out again. I’d rather be bald for the rest of my life than get my hopes up only to have them bashed all over again. The roller coaster of emotions that comes along with growth/loss is one that I’d prefer not to ride. My emotions take me on enough roller coaster rides that I think I’m set for a lifetime.

To Shave Or Not To Shave? That Is The Question...

What up baldie boo crew! Its been a week of fighting off the bronchitis for this girl! I swear everybody and their brother is sick in my office. Nothing like the sounds of hacking coughs and flem to kick off a work week. Ick! Thanks to the magic of some meds, an inhaler, and a netti pot, I seem to be on the mend. So much so that I was able to spend two hours navigating the jungle that is IKEA yesterday, and made it to a basketball game to watch my CAVS get sadly demolished by the Nugs. Womp womp. I’m just happy I’m not a feeble Franny snot fest anymore, so I can’t complain. For this week’s blog, I thought I’d address something many alopecians face…to shave or not to shave? That is the question. This is a really tough one, and one that I definitely struggled with. Looking back, I’d say I waited wayyyy too long to shave my head. When my hair was falling out, I could not fathom losing it all. In my head, I was going to grow it back. The pills the derm had me popping were gonna work. The homeopathic shampoo bar and oils were going to work. My paleo diet was going to work. Meditating was going to work. I was convinced something was going to freaking work. It was not an option for me to shave, because my hair was going to grow back!!! Shaving it meant I was accepting it, and I was so far from that. I wasn't about to succumb to a razor and become a bald woman. No way Jose. Turns out when my body hears "no way Jose" it just laughs while doing whatever  the hell it wants. Who knew?! The thing about holding onto those last few strands, is that it amplified my alopecia emotionally. There was so much pain that came with physically feeling my hair fall out every single second of every single day. Even when I was sleeping! My poor cat Jasper (shout out Twilight) used to love jumping on my pillow and sleeping near my head. As a crazy cat lady, I obviously loved every second of it until alopecia struck. During this period, I HATED it. I would wake up multiple times throughout the night in a panic that more and more hair was being ripped out each time he jumped up on my pillow for cuddles. Way to ruin cat cuddles alopecia. As if you weren’t already rude enough! While I wasn’t “sick”, I looked sick. It looked like I was battling far more than my autoimmune system being an asshole. One day I was facetiming with my mom crying as usual. Crying seems to be a common theme for my alopecia journey. My mom suggested shaving my head. She said it might make me feel better, and she ended up being right. Yes mom, you read that correctly, I said you were right. This ONE time you were right. 😉 I did cry my eyes out (staying on brand) while getting my head shaved, but afterwards it felt better not having to physically feel the loss anymore. It was a new normal, but the constant dread that came along with washing my hair, taking off my topper (my hair would get stuck in the clips and rip out), feeling pieces fall on me at work, waking up and seeing how much less hair I had than the day/week/month before was finally gone. That dread caused me massive amounts of anxiety, and it was freeing not to feel it anymore. I suppose its sorta like breaking up with a shitty boyfriend. You know the type. The one you will bend over backwards for to keep, even though they treat poop better than you. Even so, when you break up you think your world is ending, but what really happens is that you have your come to Jesus moment and realize life is so much better being free of that pain……in the ass douche canoe. We've all been there LOL.
 What should you do? Shoot this is a hard one to give advice on because alopecia is soooo different for every single person. There is no guarantee that your body will act like mine, and there is no guarantee your body won’t act like mine. What I can tell you, is that you should seriously consider the impact on your emotional health. If you’ve lost a crap ton of hair, is it going to benefit you emotionally to keep hanging on, or would it be better to just shave it, get wiggy with it, and wait and see what happens after? I’ve yet to meet a single alopecian who regretted shaving the last pieces off. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, or even talk to me! Get yourself a solid support system that will have your back no matter what your decision ends up being. Always listen to your gut, and know there is a whole baldie boo community out there who will have your back! We got you boo! We got you!

The One Where She CrossFit Bald

I feel like the first few blogs have been in my feelings intense! I want this one to be a little more fun, and talk about something near and dear to my heart. Which is working on my fitness. My interest in working out started in college. Let’s face it, years of beer, taco bell, eurogyro (shout out to my fellow Kent Staters), and growing out of my teenage metabolism did not do a body good on this girl’s 5’ 2” frame. I decided to do something about it. You could say I became a little too obsessive with losing weight for a time, but again I said I’m keeping this blog out of my feels so that is a story for another day. After graduating college, I started working at a call center. On my first day of training, our trainer Lisa mentioned that most people gain 15 lbs after starting work at the call center. The combination of sitting taking phone calls and abundant snacks was a recipe for weight gain. I heard that and thought, “oh hellllllllll no.” That’s when I really kicked my workouts and healthy eating habits into gear. I’ve dabbled in a little bit of everything. The Firm & P90X were my intro into weight lifting, and started my love for lifting heavy shit. Yes, I used to be a beachbody coach, no I am not now, no I don’t want to be one again, no I don’t want shakeology, no shakeology can’t grow my hair back…have all the MLMers left the building? Jk jk…I appreciate your hustle my MLM ladies. I seriously do. It takes a lot to put yourself out there like that, so I say go after that best life! Okay wow I am all over the place on this one. Anywho, I’ve dabbled in a little bit of everything. Home workouts, spin class, crossfit, bootcamp, distance running, yoga, pilates, etc etc. The love for fitness is so real. I was an avid crossfitter when I started losing my hair which was challenging. First of all, it was hard to focus on a workout when my hair was falling all over me the entire time. Second, when I finally shaved my head, I knew I didn’t want to wear my fancy new wig to the gym. It was hot AF and I didn’t want it to get sweaty and gross. A hat just sorta got in my way, so I decided to give bald workouts a shot so I could continue chugging crossfit koolaid. The bonus was that my crossfit was filled with good friends and kind hearts. It was still tough though. The first time I came to the gym bald, I just sat in my car and panicked for a bit. A part of me just wanted to drive home and curl up into a ball instead. However, I pushed through and was met with a bounty of hugs and love. I only got asked if I had cancer twice. Not bad. The negative was that my head sweats like Blake from the Bachelor attempting to propose to Becca (sorry for my non-bachelor fans who do not understand that reference). It was gross and I hated it. I hated sweat dripping into my eye, I hated seeing sweat beads on my skull. Not. A. Fan. Also, if you’ve ever crossfitted you know that crazy cult of loons (you know I love you all) loves them some pictures. Every workout, I spent anxious time looking for cameras and dodging them. I was not ready for my bald head to be on a social media feed. All this to say, I quickly learned that working out bald meant I spent my entire workout focused on my alopecia instead of actually focusing on my workout. Thank u, next. I quit crossfit for many reasons…one of them being exhausted by thinking about my scalp. Head and shoulders commercials don’t think about scalps as much as I do. Next up, I decided to focus on running with a hat on and lifting at home. Here is the thing, even with a hat on I still felt like people were starting and wondering who this bald girl was running by. Also, my freeze baby head would get so damn cold!! Finally, I decided to take my talents to the apartment complex gym. At this point I purchased a under the hat wig from hip hats with hair. Its like a wig, but the cap is cloth with no hair. The goal is to prevent your scalp from roasting to 1000000 degrees while wearing fake fair. In theory this was an okay option. The piece was designed to be worn as a pony tail, but I felt it looked very unnatural as a pony. Instead I wore it as a side braid, but you could see the pink cloth through the hat hole. Not ideal. A good option, but not the right fit for me. Then I had my Goldilocks moment and found the solution that was juuuuust right. I had purchased a less expensive synthetic wig to wear to the pool I decided to try that at the gym Ding ding ding we had a winner!! I still prefer a side pony over an actual pony though. I think this looks most natural on me. Now my love for the gym is back, and my workouts are strictly me focusing on being as bad ass as possible. No thoughts are given to my head situation. Can I get a Hallelujah?! I’m sure you may have a few questions, so here is my attempt at being Miss Cleo and predicting what you may ask.Does it get hot?Ish depending on my wig. The synthetic I wear now doesn’t get so hot that I feel like I’m going to pass out if I don’t dunk my head in an ice bath. It does get hotter than natural hair, but its been so long since I’ve had natural hair that I don’t even remember what that feels like.Are you saying I shouldn’t workout bald? Heck no man! I say do what YOUR Goldilocks moment tells you to do. If you feel your best working out bald, then yes boo go rock that shit!! What about scarves? Scarves just aren’t my cup of tea, but I know a ton of alopecian babes who love to workout in theirs. 10/10 would recommend if that is what makes you happy. Have you ever had any wig malfunctions while working out? Thankfully no! I secure that hat on so tight it requires the jaws of life to remove. I have had an eyebrow makeup malfunction. Let’s just say I tried a new eyebrow product, got off the ellipctial and realized my eyebrows had created rivers of makeup all over my face. Luckily my gym is filled with creepers so I considered it creeper deterrent. Lemonade. Out. Of. Lemons. Baby. Have you ever run a race with a wig? YES! My hip hats with hair wig is what I was wearing when I PRd my half marathon with a sub 2 time!! This race was crazy AF because it bounced between rain, snow, sleet, and hail the ENTIRE time. But the wig held up like a boss bitch.If you have any other questions, please feel free to reach out! I’m not an expert on navigating this alopecia life, but I’m happy to talk to you about what has worked for me. That’s all for now! Lots of love to you my boos!

Brows on Fleek

Happy New Year friends!! Resolutions aren’t really my jam, but I love me a New Year! I enjoy the perception of a fresh start and the feeling of putting the past year behind me. This year is a little different because I actually really loved 2018. This is the first time in a long time that I’m not eager to complete one year and start over. I’m hoping 2019 will step up and say, “Oh you think 2018 was good? You ain’t seen nothin yet sista friend!” Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Today I want to talk a little bit about transition from alopecia areata (hair loss in small patches on my scalp) to alopecia universalis (full body hair attack leaving me with the same amount of hair as your local beluga whale). I lost my scalp hair and arm hair around the same time. The rest of my hair remained. Still had to shave my legs, still had to thread my brows and wax off my mustache. I really wanted things to stay that way. I told myself that I could handle losing my scalp hair, but if I lost my eyebrows or eyelashes, I would not be able to handle it. For about a year my body granted my wish and life was as dandy as it can be for a bald, single, 30 something gal. Then in the spring of 2016, my immune system decided to flip me the bird and started to attack my eyebrows. I was SUCH a mess during this time frame. I’ve spent the greater part of my adult life focusing on health and nutrition. I work out 6 days a week and I eat healthy most of the time. I do this so I can have control of what I look like. Alopecia ripped that control away from me. There was literally nothing I could do to stop my body from waging this war. Let me tell you, I tried EVERYTHING the internet offered up as a suggestion. Apple cider vinegar shots, experimental medical treatments, writing in a gratitude journal, eating paleo, eliminating gluten, black caster oil, essential oil potions, the list goes on and on. It became crystal clear that my immune system had full control and I had 0. This was infuriating, and I felt like the universe was punishing me for no reason. I was pity partying like it was 1999 day in and day out. Losing eyebrows was a whole new ball game. You never realize just how much your eyebrows impact your appearance until they are gone. I would look in the mirror and bawl because I didn’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I was SO angry at my body, so angry at the world, and if I’m being honest, I was so angry at God as well. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I would beg God to make it stop and tell him that it wasn’t making me stronger, that it was making me want to stop living. Again disclaimer, I realize now looking back that alopecia is not a reason to stop living. However, at that time the culmination of years of emotionally painful events was overwhelming and alopecia felt like the straw that was breaking this camel’s back.
I finally made the decision to get my brows microbladed. My BFF Tiffany recommended her friend Lea to me. Lea is my eyebrow angel. I was so scared when I met her for our initial consultation. I mean I was about to let someone tattoo my face. I could leave looking fabulous, or I could leave looking like Maleficent. I realllly didn’t want to look like an Indian Maleficent. The second I met Lea, all of those worries faded away. 1. Lea is stunningly beautiful. I knew if she could make my brows 1/18 as nice as hers, I would be okay. 2. She has the most amazing positive energy. She loved my bald head and spoke about my features in such an uplifting away that I actually felt pretty when I was around her. 3. She was an absolute saint when it came to my crazy ass body. Fun fact, if you have alopecia there is also a chance your body will reject the microblading ink. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and its not typical. Of course, it happened to me. A few days into the healing process the majority of the hair strokes were gone, and I was completely devastated. It was like losing my natural brows all over again. Lea however, was not going to let me throw in the towel. She insisted I would have brows, and did not have a speck of doubt that I would. I can’t remember exactly how many times I went back to see her, but she was totally right. Girlfriend gave me brows again! It gave me back a sense or normalcy. When I took my makeup off at the end of the day, I no longer felt like an alien version of myself. I no longer felt like the person looking back at me in the mirror was a total stranger. I felt like I received a tiny piece of me back. Thank you, Lea, I will forever be so unbelievably grateful for you and your kind, sweet, positive soul. For my readers, if any of you are in Denver and are considering getting your brows did, you need to go check her out at The Brow Bar & Co. No this is not an ad, just a friend guiding you to my eyebrow angel who will 100% make sure your eyebrows are on fleek.
I lost my lashes in 2017, and while I was annoyed by it, it wasn’t crushing. At that point I had to just throw my hands up in the air and laugh. I’ve always worn top lid liner, so it was not noticeable to anyone unless they were inches away from my face. If you’re inches away from my face, there’s a bigger problem than me not having lashes LOL. Somewhere in 2017 I lost the rest of my body hair including my nose hair. To be honest, I love the fact that I don’t have to shave my legs. I love the fact that my arms no longer look like I am part Woolly Mammoth. It does create a new normal though. For instance, you forget that brows, lashes, and nose hair actually serve a purpose. I cannot tell you how much crud would make its way into my eyeballs. For someone with no hair, I seemingly always had cat hair in my eye. I quickly learned the importance of nose hair the first time I cried without nose hair. It was as if someone had turned on a snot fountain. I was simply not prepared for that. In 2018 I got my lashes and some of my nose hair back. Needless to say, this has made allergy season far more bearable. Welp, that’s all I’ve got for today my loves. I hope you are all having an amazing start to the New Year!!! I wish everyone a year filled with abundant blessings –lots of love, happiness, money, joy, and relationships. Talk to you next week boos!

2018 Year In Review

The holidays are a weird time for me. I’m not sure exactly why, but there is something about the time frame between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day that always spikes my depression and anxiety. Even this year when everything has been on the up and up. Here I am, in my head in a funk. Do I have a reason to feel this way? Nope, sure don’t. But that’s the thing about depression, it never really chooses a reasonable time to show up. Sometimes it just wants to make an appearance as a quick reminder that it can hide, but it can also come back anytime it wants. Rude AF. I think the obvious reason here is that I’m 35 and spending yet another holiday alone. Which in theory is fine because I’m totally okay with being single. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, every year that I have been in a relationship during the holidays, it’s never been Hallmark movie worthy. If anything, its been the exact opposite and included me feeling more alone in the relationship than I feel now as a single lady (insert Beyonce hand motion here). Maybe that’s it. That the holidays remind me that I’ve never had a holiday with a man friend who has truly made me feel loved or special. Instead its usually me, scrolling through social media and talking to my friends while being envious (maybe a smidge jealy) of the man friends they have who make them feel like princesses. Luckily as history goes, this feeling will start to fade away after my birthday and will make its final exit after Valentine’s day. I guess you can say, I’m so ready for February! Denver February means that pool weather is just a hop, skip, and jump away (why does saying that make me feel like an elementary teacher?) Just gotta tough it out until my bald butt is laying pool side making this tan skin even tanner (now its your turn to be jealy 😊) I’m sooo ready for it!For this week’s post, I thought I’d do a 2018 year in review and share some of my most favorite memories of this past year. Hope you enjoy and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!1. I turned THIRTY FIVE! The scary age that happened after I passed my original scary age of 30. I celebrated with not one but two boozy brunches, and realized that brunch is my new most favorite meal of the day. It was also when I made a conscious decision to start having more fun and go out there and live that YOLO  best life. A decision that made 2018 one of the best years so far!2. I got to see my most favorite kids from Akron (Lebron James obvi..no offense if you are one of my friends from Akron, I still love you just as much) playing in Denver. At the time I was hoping, wishing, praying, it wouldn’t be my last time getting to see him play in CAVS wine and gold, but alas it was. I hate to break it to you Bron, but purple and yellow will never look as good as wine and gold. Just sayin! PS I miss you and please come back!!3. OMG I went on my first dates since losing my hair and my first dates using a dating app. This will for sure be its own blog entry at another time. Yes, it was awkward, hilarious, fun, and wayyyy outside of my comfort bubble as expected. I went on two dates with two different dudes and didn’t go on a single other date after that. Baby steps people, baby steps.4. This is a sad one. I had to say goodbye to my little kitty Jasper. I got him in 2009, and he traveled with me from Ohio to Denver. He was my #1 sidekick through all of the rough times, the good times, and everything in between. Saying goodbye to him was one of THE HARSDEST things I ever had to do. I miss you every single day my little buddy.5. Got my first Shuly wig!! This is my 3rd human hair wig since losing all of my hair, and it is hands down my most favorite. The hair quality is amazing and it is everything I’ve wanted in a wig and more. If I was a baller shot caller, you better believe I’d fly my butt to NYC to get a dozen more. But one will have to do for now 😊6. Took my first trip to NASHVegas to celebrate my BFF Heather’s Bachelorette weekend!! The trip was a total blast!! I literally don’t understand how college kids in Nashville can graduate. How can you choose studying over all of the other fun things to do out there?! Props to you if you’ve done it. This trip was interesting because it was my first time having girlfriends see me first thing in the morning…no hair…no makeup….full bald…eyebrowless Supriya. Straight up ET phone home alien mode. I had MAJOR anxiety about it the entire trip, but everyone there made it so easy me. Pro tip--if you want to know how to make peace with alopecia, find yourself a strong AF girl squad who will give you all of the confidence in the world!7. TAYLOR SWIFT. Yes, I am a 35 year old Swifty. Yes, I jumped all of these verified fan hoops to secure my place in the ticket line. Let me tell you, it was all WORTH it. I don’t know about you, but I was feeling 22 that night!8. Had another family reunion in Siesta Key. 900000% humidity is worth it for fun vacations with the fam!9. I moved on up! Literally. I moved up one floor into a new renovated apartment that I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE! Thank you renovations, target, and hobby lobby for making my girlie decorating dreams come true.10. After 6 months of being pet free, I adopted a tiny little kitten and named him Neville Longbottom! He is the cutest, funniest, craziest wild man of a cat. Everyday he makes me laugh and he is currently curled up next to me while I type this blog. I may suck at relationships, but man am I great at being a cat mom.11. Last, but not least, I started this BLOG!!! After months and months of feeling unfilled with life, of feeling like the world was going to shit and I was doing nothing to contribute to society, I decided to get off my overly anxious butt and do something about it. Here I am sharing my story with family, friends, and strangers, all while making new alopecia friends every single day. I cant wait to see what this blog will bring me in the New Year!HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! Hope you all are safe, have fun, and drink lots of Pedialyte. Nobody wants to start a new year with a new hangover. Am I right? Talk to you in 2019 boos!! 

What Not To Do When Your Nail Tech Calls You Fat

Oh hello friends. It’s almost Christmas and that is completely insane. Its about 60 degrees in Denver today, so it surely doesn’t feel like almost Christmas. This time of the year means that I’m only a couple months away from my bday. Next year I am turning 36 and that is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Getting older is so weird because when you’re younger you think 36 sounds SO OLD. You assume by 36 you will have everything figured out. But with 36 less than 2 months away, the only thing that I have figured out is my reality tv lineup. Have you ever watched Love After Lockup? Because OMG you HAVE to watch Love After Lockup. It is the worst and the best all rolled up into one glorious hour.I thought today I’d dive a little bit deeper into that time frame in between losing my first handful of hair and shaving my head. I keep using the Gollum reference, so to stay on brand lets call these the Gollum months. When I first realized that I was losing way more hair than my normal shedding, I thought it was weird, but I wasn’t alarmed yet. I honestly didn’t even think it was related to my alopecia because my alopecia had never acted like that. I thought it would just stop in a couple days, but as you can tell by my shiny dome, I thought very wrong. I remember the day of sheer panic when I realized something was very wrong. I was sitting at work on a conference call and had my sleeves rolled up. I looked down at my arms and realized my arm hair was GONE. Now I am of Eastern Indian decent. My arm hair was never thin. I basically had Chewbacca hairy arms, but today it looked like someone had nair’d them in my sleep. Am I dating myself? Is nair still a thing? Do the youths know the struggle of using chemical cream to remove your lady mustache leaving you with a smooth but slightly chemically burned upper lip? Anywho, I saw this and FREAKED OUT. It was at that moment I realized that I could be losing ALL of my hair. I kept telling myself, its not alopecia, its not alopecia. This is because I didn’t want it to be alopecia. I knew damn well that there is no cure for alopecia. I needed it to be something with a cure. I thought if I said it enough I could convince my body of it. That I could go into the doctor, have them tell me it’s a thyroid issue, give me a bottle of pills, and my problems would be fixed. Of course, that is not what happened. Instead I went to my dermatologist and he told me I was having an alopecia flare up. Can we talk about my derm Dr. Norris for a moment? He is literally the sweetest, best dermatologist on the planet. I’ve bawled my eyes out in his clinic a million times over, and he is soooo kind and sweet. Always comforting me and saying, “Its okay, I know how tough it is, we see a lot of tears in the hair clinic.” Today Dr. Norris broke the news to me and I was crushed. There are not any alopecia cures, but there are many experimental treatments. Dr. Norris had a plan of attack and we were going to give it a shot. I was willing to try anything to keep my hair. He started me on a course of prednisone and methotrexate. Yes, methotrexate is used for chemo, but at these smaller doses its not considered chemo.Have you ever taken prednisone before? I like to kindly refer to it as the devil drug. Why you ask? Because it fucked shit up for me. My body has always been overly sensitive to medications and I often get side effects. Boy did I ever. My mood was wild. Anything could make me cry. I would go from normal, happy, fine, to rage filled, blood boiling, emotional mess. It made me ungodly hungry, and while I stopped eating carbs during that time to prevent the weight gain, I still gained. Mostly in my face and gut. I don’t blame Dr. Norris for any of this of course. Everyone’s body acts differently and mine was acting like an angsty teenage girl who got her cell phone taken away. Unfortunately, my flare up continued to progress and I had to make my very first hair investment—a topper. A topper is basically hair you clip onto the top of your head to make it look like you have hair when yours is thinning away. I hated that thing SO MUCH. It would rip more hair out every time I unclipped it. It never felt secure on my head. I hated the way it looked in photographs. It honestly just made me miss my old hair that much more.During this time frame I remember having an extra shitty, I feel fugly pity party day. I decided to go get my nails did. I wanted to be comfortable, so I didn’t wear the topper. Instead I put those feeble remaining pieces of hair into a teeny tiny side braid and hoped for the best. Welp…best is not what I got lol. I was sitting in the nail chair and the lady immediately asked about my hair. From the jump I felt like crying. Next, I thought she asked me if I had gained weight, but I also thought I misheard her because WHO ASKS THAT?!?!?!? I asked her to repeat herself and then the technician next to her looked at me and said, “she wants to know if you gained weight because we can see it in your face.” I shit you not. OF COURSE I had gained weight. I had been pumping my body full of prednisone and my face looked like a little puff ball. I responded by shaking my head and holding back my tears. I used every single ounce of strength not to start crying in that salon chair. My hands were even shaking at one point. The second I walked out of the salon, I bawled and bawled and bawled my eyes out. I walked into my apartment, laid on the floor and bawled some more. That day getting my nails done didn’t make me feel cute, it made me feel like a fat, ugly sea slug. Womp womp.Stuff like that continued to happen, but never as bad as that day. I recall a shocked coworker thinking I had cancer. I remember walking into my crossit, and immediately crying for no reason at all. I had SERIOUS pony tail envy lol. Who gets jealy of a pony tail? Oh yeah, I did because all I wanted was my pony tail back. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, thank goodness I had my crossfit family on my side. The same goes for my work fam. For every tear there was a hug, for every break down, there was a text, for every sad cubicle talk there was an ear to listen. I’m not sure I would have had the will to push through those awful months if it wasn’t for all of them. My Ohio fam and friend fam were such amazing long-distance support too. I remember calling my best friend Kristin at 6AM because I realized my hair loss was moving to places on my head where it couldn’t be hidden. I completely broke down to her on the phone while she was getting ready for work and she still took the time to patiently listen and help me get through it. The feeling of loss was so real and so overwhelming.
Now let’s fast forward to today. I was brunching (PS brunch is a VERY regular occurrence in my life #BasicAF) with my friends Kera, Rachel, and Mattie. Rachel asked me what my long-term goal is with this blog. I think its just this. To share these raw emotions and stories. To be able to connect with people who are going through this and help them feel less alone. To help people going through alopecia know that their emotions are valid, that their feelings are real, that its okay to feel sad no matter how many times people tell you “at least its just hair”. If I can help one person struggling, then I know I am doing the right thing. 😊 That’s all for now friends. Hope you have a fabulous week my sweet boos!! Byeeeee.