She Came, She Saw, She Conquered

 
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A couple months ago I had this crazy ass thought. Go to work without my wig. Now granted, this thought has popped into my head before. Mostly on days where my wig is hot, itchy, pokey, or just plain annoying. However, on those days it was never a serious thought. More of a, “UGH I SHOULD JUST RIP THIS DUMB THING OFF” knowing very well I’d rather give up reality tv for life than show up at my work with my scalp exposed for the world to see. It was a shock, even to myself, when I started considering it seriously. It’s honestly very possible I was abducted by aliens and the normal scaredy cat Supriya is locked in a space ship while this alien Supriya who has a tiny smidge more of confidence has replaced me. The jury is still out. When Alopecia Awareness Month rolled around, I knew it was now or never. The first week of September I went on Amazon and ordered a couple alopecia shirts with the intention of having bald Friday occur on 9/6. The delivery dates had other ideas and my plans got pushed to 9/13. Friday the 13th, full moon, and my big bald head! I mean some would say that is the perfect trifecta. I told a few people knowing the more people I told, the less likely I could back out. On 9/12 I fully committed to the cause. I sent an email to my friends at work and told them my plans and to wear blue (alopecia blue to be exact) if they wanted to show support. I knew once I sent the email I was locked in. I pressed send and started shaking and sweating. This was it. It was happening.

Trying to keep my cool on the ride in. Emphasis on trying.

Trying to keep my cool on the ride in. Emphasis on trying.

Friday morning my alarm went off and my nerves kicked in. Its funny because I can actually feel those same nerves now as I re-live that day. It is still all so surreal. I showered, threw on my nifty alopecia awareness ribbon shirt, slapped on some red lips (the perfect accessory to a bald head if you ask me), said a prayer I wouldn’t poop my pants in fear at work, and headed out the door. Many people asked me if I was going to keep my wig in the car, and the answer is no. I was ALL IN! Until I got into the parking garage that is. Then I was ALL NERVES. My heart was racing, the shakes were back, and I was so scared. What did I commit to?! I normally get to work pretty early so I was able to speed walk into the building without seeing many people. I sat down at my desk and waved hello to two of my teammates. They were in blue smiling excitedly at me. My heart was literally racing a mile a minute. I started to compose myself. “You can do this Supriya. You can do this” I kept telling myself over and over and over. All the meanwhile I was starting to sweat through my shirt, my hands were a quivering mess, and I was realizing just how cold office AC can be when you don’t have a wig on your head to keep you warm and toasty. 

Then it started happening. The trickle of blue. Tameka, Dan, and Greg! High fives, hugs, photo op. They were so excited for me. The trickle quickly turned into a stream. Wyatt, Kanchan, Sujay, Casey, Taylor, Greg, Haley, Genna, Hosanna, Brandon, Marie, Wes, Melinda, Rachel, Ashleigh, Colleen, John, my entire team, and so many others were wearing blue in support! Then it turned into a river. Friends off site were sending me pictures (Venrick, Ashley, Tiph, Jordan, Zigs, Andrew), friends who used to work with me were sending me pictures (Kathryn, Eddie), friends who couldn’t be there that day were texting me. Everywhere I looked I saw more and more blue and my world was taken over by an army of support. At lunch time it was apparent that my river was a massive ocean. My friend Rachel arranged to have us meet outside for a group photo. I expected a handful of people to show up tops. I stood on the patio and waited. I had completely underestimated what was actually going to happen. I was in complete shock witnessing the number of friends pouring out of the door in support of me and alopecia!!!!! I looked to the left and saw Amy (who is on maternity leave!) walk in with a stroller and her new born Decker in his blue! I could not believe how many people were out there with me. I still cannot wrap my head around it. If I named everyone, this blog would turn into a never-ending list of names. While I stood on the photo with all of these amazing humans, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emotions. I’ve never known what it is like to receive this type of love and support. I can only imagine that this is what Taylor Swift feels like every single moment of her life. It is a moment that will be engrained in my memory forever!

My ocean of Alopecia BLUE!

My ocean of Alopecia BLUE!

As the day went on, I got to sit down and have conversations with people about what it is like to have alopecia. What the struggles feel like. What triumphs feel like. I’ve worked at my company for 8.5 years. 4.5 years with hair and 4 years without. For the first time, I was able to just relax and have open honest conversations about the things I’d spent so much of my career hiding. For the first time, I was able to be me. I didn’t whisper about my wig. I didn’t worry people would hear me say the word wig. I didn’t have to worry that people who didn’t know about my alopecia would realize I was wearing wig. For once, I didn’t feel embarrassed and ashamed to be the person in the office with alopecia. For the very first time, I felt empowered to be the person in the office with alopecia. There are moments in life that will change your life forever. Full harvest moon and Friday the 13th of September 2019 is a day that completely changed my life. I’ve always loved the quote “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. It is safe to say my life began on Friday.

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So, what is next? Will I quit wigs and embrace being an alien head going forward? Full time--Definitely not. I love my wigs and don’t plan on giving them up! Part time though, I’m not sure! This day was meant to be a challenge. To see if I could grow a pair big enough to accomplish the task at hand. Now that it is over and done with, I realize that I can do whatever I want and that is wonderfully freeing. I can wear my wig, I can go bald, I can wear different wigs, and everything in between! It is so wild that I can literally just LIVE and so LIVE is what I will do.

“The comeback is always greater than the setback” ~Mike “The Situation” (Don’t judge my love for Jersey Shore guys!)

“The comeback is always greater than the setback” ~Mike “The Situation” (Don’t judge my love for Jersey Shore guys!)

Roomies and Baldies

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This past week I traveled to Utah for work. Landed in Sat Lake, and headed to Provo to take care of business. My company has a unique travel policy that requires employees to share a room. I recently joined a new team and not everyone was aware of the no hair situation I have going on up top. Truthfully, when I learned I was going to have to share a room, I panicked. Yes, I am comfortable sharing my baldness on the interwebs, but hair is such a key component to my professional look. Not saying that bald is unprofessional. Just saying that for me, I’m never in the office sans wig. It was most certainly going to catch my new coworker off guard to witness me transform from fab hair to nothing but scalp in a matter of seconds. Sleeping in a wig is not an option for me. I’ve tried it and it was the most uncomfortable night of sleep of my life. I need to be bare head on pillow to sleep like the angel I’m trying to be. Therefore, I knew I had to tell my roomie.img_3404When I saw the email confirming the travel accommodations, my stomach sank and panic set in. I sat at my desk feeling a smidge pukey with a dash of pitting, and some low-grade shakes. I decided to handle this in typical Supriya fashion and make a joke out of it. No one can sense your panic on the inside when you are all smiles and laughs on the outside. Am I right?! My email went something like this “Just a heads up, I have alopecia and look like a normal person by day, but look like a bald alien creature by night.” I then processed to use a yellow emoji face to paint the full picture. Next, I IMd my roomie to be and let her know that I would give her fair warning before the wig came off. I shouldn’t have been surprised when she was totally cool with everything. The room sharing was not a big deal at all. Yes, I was nervous, but my roommate was so chill and awesome. I couldn’t have asked for a better stranger to be bunkies with! I don’t know why I always feel so scared of people’s reaction to my alopecia when it is up close and personal. I assume they will be uncomfortable or offended by my scalp. Yet that’s all it is. Just a plain jane run of the mill scalp. It’s not like I’m hiding a tattoo of Tweetie bird and Taz making obscene gestures (throwback to every 90s baby who once rocked a Looney Tunes temporary tattoo). Also, I have no control over it. This is just part of me now and I need to find a way to accept the fact that other people are totally fine with it too. Yes, jokes and making fun of myself before someone can make fun of me will always be my self defense tactic. However, I need to convince myself that people aren’t going to stop, drop, and roll when they see my head. Hopefully, that day will come soon, but for now I remain a forever work in progress...

Alopecia Unleashed My Inner Diva - Lady Alopecia Guest Post

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Friends, I’d like to introduce you to Lady Alopecia! I am so honored to have her take over my blog today with this AMAZING post! It won’t take long for you to figure out exactly why I am BEYOND excited to have this funny, inspiring, glitter fueled, radiant spirit guest post on my page. Lady Alopecia, your confidence and light shine through in the words you share. Thank you for being a part of my blog, and most importantly thank you for being such a wonderful and supportive baldie friend! xoxoxoWhen I was growing up, my hair was a big deal. Strangers would ruffle it. Relatives would ask where the hell it had come from (cue the milkman jokes) and I’d often get stopped in the street for some randomer to tell me how unusual it was. How lucky I was to have such beautiful auburn curls.img_3116Unsurprisingly, I grew pretty attached to my hair.So when it decided to detach itself from me, the person who’d given it a home for 10 years, it felt like a big ol’ slap in the face.Being a teenager with alopecia was tough. I was in boarding school and… well… bitches aren’t always cute dogs, right?! I got very good at shrinking, at hiding, at making myself invisible. I was pretty tall but managed to fold in on myself most of the time.Still, at least the patches weren’t too bad back then. I had them under control.But later, in my mid-20s, the patches grew bigger and bigger. Taunting me – the more I’d try to hide them, the more they’d reveal themselves.After a few years of wig wearing, I decided that I was sick of hiding my alopecia, of feeling like I was hiding my true self, too. So I did what any rebellious soul would do – I made a statement. I told alopecia to f**k right off and stop controlling my life. And I pulled a Britney and shaved my head.I thought I’d feel strong, liberated and fierce afterwards.But instead I felt weak. And scared. And very very bumpy-headed.As kids we used to have a “board race” during our school’s Sports Day. Basically, you’d have to balance a board, about the size and weight of a hardback novel, on your head and walk as fast as you could to the finish line. Like if America’s Next Top Model did relay races – only the straight-backed, flat-headed stood a chance.Anyway, as I clapped eyes on my shiny new bald look, I realised why I’d never made it more than a few steps with that damned board! Because a bump the size of an egg rose out of my already egg-shaped head. I was like a novelty Easter egg. What had I done?!img_3118Still, I’d made the decision to stop wearing wigs and I was sticking to it. And so I began rocking my bald head out, free from wigs or headscarves, for the first time in 8 long years.Embracing the bald was a big risk, sure – but it definitely paid off. The support I received was phenomenal and I began feeling more comfortable in myself than I’d ever been, even with a full head of hair.One of the best moments was returning to choir. A community choir that sang soul music (and wore a lot of sequins!), made up of women and men from all walks of life. When I joined the previous year, I knew I’d found my tribe and Wednesday evening rehearsals were the highlight of my week. After all, how can you feel down when blasting out Try a Little Tenderness with some of the warmest, most inspirational people you’ve ever met?They’d only known me with my wigs and headscarves so I was nervous going back into that room. But the flurry of hugs and the amazing words I received lifted me right up. I laughed and joked about my baldiness and for the first time, I learned to speak openly about my alopecia without welling up.Over the next few weeks, I got so used to my new look that I forgot all about it at times! Until I’d glimpse a pale beach ball bobbing past a shop window and I’d realise it was just my reflection. Oh well.The funny thing was, once I’d accepted my alopecia, my hair grew back!Tentatively, a downy fuzz spread across my scalp. Within a few weeks, I was less of a Mr Potato Head, more of a Donald Duck. Until eventually I had a head full of the short stuff…… For a grand total of 2 months. Then a sneaky patch popped up on the back of my head. Which spread...and spread...and you can guess the rest. This time, I took control early on. I went to the hairdresser, asked her to shave my remaining hair into a mohawk style and embraced my new look.img_3113And you know what? I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out! Because I’ve finally found my own voice, my own style, instead of trying on others’ for size.Example 1I’ve always been partial to a bit of glitter – even more so when I joined that choir. But shaving my head gave me permission to stop playing safe and to start afresh. To use my bald head as a blank canvas for all kinds of colourful creations.Nowadays, I decorate my mohawk with flowers, feathers, fairy lights… you name it, I’ve tried it. My friends even know me as The Glitter Fairy. And I carry a vial of the shiny stuff in my bag at all times. Just in case. ;)img_3115Example 2Festivals are my favourite things on earth. I used to go to them with flowery headbands, or a colourful wig if I was feeling particularly cray-cray. And now? I spend the entire 3 days in a range of elaborate costumes – homemade wigs, sequinned wings, elaborate fake eyelashes made for drag queens but claimed by me… let’s just say, I’m no longer trying to hide!img_3117The thing is, I’ve spent so much of my life trying to blend in. But now that I’ve accepted my alopecia, even learned to love it in some ways, I’m happy to stand out.Sure, there are days when I get sick of the attention.Like when I’m sweating like crazy, cycling in 100° heat and an entire cafe of Vietnamese people turns to point and laugh at my shiny head (mohawks don’t stand too proudly in the heat). Just like there are times when I’d give anything to complain about a bad hair day.But having alopecia has led to so many positive experiences. And it’s made me braver in every sense. Not just dealing with this shitty condition and with all it entails – but being able to put myself out there, to not worry what people think and to express myself in whatever way I choose. Sometimes the experiment pays off; other times I look less like Furiosa and more like Sideshow Bob. But that’s all part of the adventure, right?!After all, the Björks and the Grace Joneses of this world don’t shy away from the limelight. Or from their wonderful weirdness, their need to embrace and display the strange. They’re the people who inspire me to connect with my inner diva. And to help others embark on their own shiny, glitter-filled journey.That’s why, bald and bold, hairfree and carefree… I’m proud to be Lady Alopecia.img_3114Connect with Lady Alopecia:Lady Alopecia is a copywriter, yoga teacher and alopecian currently living in Hoi An, Vietnam. Read more about her adventures on her website or follow her on Instagram. 

Thank You Mom

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Dear Mom,I would have never gotten through this alopecia adventure without you. When I felt like giving up, you were always in my corner. Through my tears you would always tell me that you wished you could have alopecia instead. You would have taken every ounce of hair loss and pain I was experiencing to give me my happiness back. You always used your motherly senses to know exactly when my low days were back. When the darkness was creeping back in. Even when I was trying to give an academy award winning performance of hiding my sadness, you always sensed it. I could facetime you and tell you I was fine 10000 times in a row, but those conversations were always followed up with texts like, “Hi Sup. You sounded low today. Call later if you want to talk.” Short, simple, but so meaningful and exactly what I needed to hear. I always feared my sadness was a burden, but you made it clear that my happiness is all that mattered to you. You were all the way in Ohio, but you did everything to let me know you were there for me. You would have hopped on a plane the second I needed you. You made sure the cost of wigs was never something I’d have to worry about. You and Dad did everything you could to help me get my happiness back. I couldn’t have done it without you Mom. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. I would have given up, but instead I am thriving. Thank you, Mom. I wish every child in the world could have a Mom like you. I feel so lucky to have you! Love you so much!img_2994Sup

Off To The Races

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Once upon a time, I was an avid endurance runner. You know the kind. I was one of those people who thought it was fun to spend a Saturday morning running 13.1 miles to get a medal, all the glory, and a sweet gram pic of me crossing the finish line with my hands in the air waving around like I just don’t care. I had a very standard race day look:1. Nike running crops2. Athletic running top (the long-sleeved purple target option for cold runs)3. Brooks running cap4. New balance running kicksI’d throw my hair into a pony and off I’d go. It was through these races that I met a fellow running loon, Troy. I was running a Kooky Spooky Halloween ½ marathon and noticed a runner who seemed to be having the TIME OF HIS LIFE. He was singing along to his tunes, snapping selfies, posing for the race course photographers. Through the power of Instagram hashtags, I found his account. After that race, we would frequently bump into each other at future races. Troy knew the pre-alopecia Supriya and all of her pony tail glory. Fast forward to the hot chocolate 15K in October of 2015. This was my first race post alopecia. I had decided that I would just maintain my normal race day look sans pony. At this point, I wasn’t comfortable working out in a wig. I only had my Follea, and there was no way I was wearing that piece for a run. I could barely ride in a hot car without it turning my entire head into a fountain of sweat. I decided to just plop a cap on my bald head and go. I figured, it would look just like I had my hair pulled back in a pony tail anyhow. The art of deception! The race started, and my friend Michelle and I took off. The hot chocolate is a blast of a race. Snacks and treats throughout the entire course and a piping hot bowl of chocolate fondue at the finish line. The best part of running is the food! Am I right?! In typical Denver running addicts anonymous fashion, I saw Troy throughout the race. In typical Troy fashion, he snapped many fun “runfies” (runner selfies for you non-running folk). When the race completed, I received notifications that I had been tagged in some of Troy’s photos. I excitedly scrolled to the pics and froze. I wanted to throw up. It did not look like I was wearing my hair pulled back in a pony tail. It looked like I was the baldest of bald chicks who slapped a hat on her head to hide it. I panicked. I hadn’t publicly told anyone other than my close circle that I was bald. I was so scared that someone would see me in these pics and my secret would be out. I untagged myself and cried like I often did at the beginning of my alopecia journey. I wanted the old days back. The days where I could feel my pony tail bouncing on my back, while I attempted to PR a run. The days where I felt like I looked like a bad ass in every race pic. This was the first time I felt embarrassed and ashamed of what I had allowed myself to look like on the race course. img_2877 I recently reconnected with Troy and he was kind enough to send me these pics. When I look at them now, I realize something…I do look like a bad ass in these. I look strong, I look healthy, I look happy! I look like I’m doing something that not a lot of people can do and loving the shit out of it. I look the way anyone should look when they are running a race with HOT CHOCOLATE in the title. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now. It is just another reminder that hindsight is 20/20 with alopecia. In the hardest moments its so hard to see anything other than BALD, BALD, BALD. It is so hard to look in a mirror or look at a photo and think positive thoughts. It is so easy to look at yourself and call yourself ugly. It is easy because you actually feel those things. It is not until you take a step back and let yourself heal that you start to see things for what they are. Beauty is not hair. Beauty is loving yourself the way you are. Beauty is the times you stayed strong when you didn’t think you could last for another second. Beauty is when you can find happiness and peace within yourself as you are. To all my baldie boos who aren’t there yet, please keep fighting to get there. I was you too!! I didn’t think happiness was ever going to be in the cards again. I didn’t think I’d every be okay with alopecia. I didn’t think that this day would ever come, but it did!! This means it will come for you too!! Keep the faith! xoxoxoimg_2879

Brows Or Bust

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You guys. I’ve been sick as hell this past week. I thought I could push through and force this thing out of me until Friday night hit. I had the energy of a sea slug riding the struggle bus. I went to bed with the chills and woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I got up to pee and ended up laying on the bathroom floor covered in sweat. When I woke up, I took my butt to the urgent care and got myself some antibiotics. I proceeded to spend the rest of my Saturday horizontal. I cannot remember the last time I was so worthless. Walking to the kitchen took all of my energy and I could barely eat. Luckily the antibiotics seem to be working because I woke up Sunday morning feeling better. By better I mean that I can stand for 5 minutes without requiring a chair and/or bed to crash in. I’m still far from 100%, but I think it is safe to say I am on the mend. *knocks on wood* My boyfriend was getting ready to take me to urgent care when I said, “Wait let me draw on my eyebrows first!” I walked my feeble body to the bathroom and did some speed eyebrow drawing. I also slapped on some mascara for good measure. Did this make me look any better? HECK NO. I still looked sick AF because I was sick AF! So, I have to ask myself why?! It was literally 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday. What was I so scared of?? First of all, half the world is barely awake at 7:15 on a Saturday. They surely aren’t at the urgent care. Second of all, who cares if they are?! If they are there, they are likely dealing with their own medical issue and could care less if I drew on my eyebrows that day. Lastly, if someone did see me in this state, it would most likely be a stranger so why does it even matter? It is in passing. It is someone who I may see for a few minutes and will never see again for the rest of my life. Why was it SO important for me to put on brows and mascara? I don’t really have an answer for this. I think it is just one of my underlying alopecia insecurities. Maybe one day I will give no fucks and not give it a second thought, but today I still give some fucks and brows and mascara is as minimalist as I get.

Wigs And Insurance

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Every now and then I have dreams that my hair has grown back. Last night was one of those nights. My hair was back and I was so excited that it was FINALLY long enough to wear in a sloppy bun! For whatever reason Miley Cyrus was also in my dream and she was stoked for me. Needless to say, I woke up with no sloppy bun and no hype girl Miley. Shoot! Today I wanted to write about alopecia and insurance. When I lost all of my hair, I was shocked to find out my insurance did not provide coverage for wigs. After some research I learned that this is an all too common thing in the alopecia world. Apparently having your immune system attack all of your hair follicles leaving you with less hair than you had at birth is not reason enough to provide coverage. It is cruel and so completely unfair. Especially since human hair wigs typically cost $1000+ on a good day. Reality is that most HH wigs are at least $2000 - $5000 depending on length, density, and cap. If you want a cap that adheres to your scalp without tape or glue, you have to shell out the big bucks. The human hair wig industry is designed for the rich and fabulous, but alopecia doesn’t give a crap about your income bracket. So, what should you do? Try to get your insurance to pay for it even if they say they won’t! I’m not saying that this will work for everyone, and even if they decide to pay, it is very likely that they will only pay a percentage. Either way, money is money and its worth a shot! I submitted a claim for my first wig and ended up getting 6% back! This sounds like nothing, but my first wig was expensive AF and 6% was WAY better than nothing. Especially since insurance said they’d cover 0. Here is what you should do:• Get a prescription or a letter from your doctor explaining the reason why you need a cranial prosthesis. This should include a diagnosis code.• Purchase your wig from a salon that knows how to create an insurance friendly invoice. The receipt should not say ‘wig’ anywhere on it. Your purchase should be billed out as a ‘cranial prosthesis’ (because that is exactly what it is).• The salon will need to include the proper insurance code along with their Tax ID.• Submit the claim and hope for the best!• If they deny it, CALL! Call and talk to supervisors or whoever you need to until they understand that this is not a normal claim. My claims have always been denied until they get sent to the complex billing department. Be your own advocate! A no does not always mean no. To me a no just means you haven’t talked to the right person in the department who can help.After my first wig, my company’s insurance switched over and they now offer partial coverage. Even so, it has taken me months to get each claim processed correctly. Each time it is initially denied. Then after months of phone calls it gets approved and processed. Every. Single. Time. This is why I say you MUST be your own advocate!! For me, beautiful wigs helped me with my healing. If it weren’t for Follea, Yaffa, and Shuly, I don’t think I’d be at this place of peace that I am. I want insurance to get on board with helping every alopecian get to this same place of peace by eliminating that financial hardships that come along with hair loss. My hope is that one day they will hop on board, but until then keep fighting for yourselves friends!

Dating In The City

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Last week my mindset was all off and I spent an entire weekend being jealous of every girl with hair on Instagram. On Monday I reset my noodle. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been so caught up with life and trying to figure out next steps that I’ve let gratitude journaling go on the back burner. Now I’m back at it AND I downloaded a gratitude app to help me focus on the things I DO have throughout the day. I may not have hair, but I surely have a lot of other things going for me. I know some people think law of attraction and gratitude is mumbo jumbo, but for me it has always helped me turn my frown upside down. Today I wanted to write a post about everyone’s favorite topic…DATING with alopecia…dun dun duuuuun. I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never been a good dater. In the past I’ve been told I have a “broken picker”, but the reality of the situation was that my picker was broken, twisted, and backwards with a mind of its own. If you followed my blog from day one, you know that alopecia entered my world at the end of a very toxic relationship. Boy bye. Hair bye. Rude! In my opinion, this is no coincidence. I’m not going to say I was perfect because I was far from it and I made some massive mistakes. However, I probably would have avoided a ton of poor life decisions, heartache, disappointment, and hurt had I left many moons before the relationship combust. I pulled the classic girl move and stayed with the hope that he would eventually become the man he was man he was when we first. Has there ever been a relationship in history where this game plan actually worked? Why do we ladies always do this? I stayed when I was crying every day. I stayed when every day was filled with unbearable anxiety in anticipation for the next hurtful thing that was most certainly going to happen. I stayed when trust was broken, and bridges were burnt. I stayed when I completely lost myself and was acting out in ways that I can’t even believe were me. In ways that go completely against my core beliefs and morals. This toxicity imprinted on my body. My body handled the emotional strain until it couldn’t anymore and started to manifest the pain physically. I believe this is what triggered me to lose my hair. I believe the universe was grabbing be by the shoulders, violently shaking me to get my life together, and begging me to let go and move one. Begging me to fill my life with people who healed me and mentally cut this person out. I finally listened and moved the hell on! Thank you, little baby Jesus! After losing my hair, I assumed I’d be single for the rest of my existence. After losing my eyebrows, I completely gave up on ever finding a life partner. I could not imagine a man being okay with a chick who looked like a little brown alien when her hair and makeup came off. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror, so I couldn’t imagine a guy looking at me and thinking, “Oh yeah! Sign me up for that!” I had succumbed to the fact that the only men in my life would be pets. I got to a point where I even made peace with this. To me it was a win win. A pet couldn’t yell at me, put me down, lie to me, or stomp on my heart. Seemed like a no brainer!One day I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever. I think I always knew this, but I finally admitted it to myself. As many times as I joked that nobody wanted a bald/eyebrowless gal, I secretly hoped that there was a nice guy out there who did. I decided I’d join the millennials and download the apps. I tried a few…tinders, bumbles, coffee meets bagels etc. Downloading these apps made me realize I’m the WORST at online dating. I’ve never been the casual dating kinda gal, so having to form a connection with someone through an app was my worst nightmare. There was also the big bald elephant in the room. Should I be forthcoming about my hair loss on my profile? Should I post a bald pic? Should I tell the guy in our first message? Is it rude of me not to tell him? What happens after I share this fact? Is he going to ghost? Is he going to be mean to me? Is he going to tell me to keep my wig and makeup on at all times? Is he going to tell me I’m unattractive when I’m not done up? I was not used to dating good men, and I assumed the worst of the worst of every guy I swiped on. This is why I pretty much never swiped right. Every time I opened an app my head flooded with these concerns. Every now and then I would get enough courage to message with a guy, but I would immediately ghost before he had the chance to ask me on a date. I would tell my friends it was because the conversation was boring. The truth was that I was too scared to let myself be vulnerable and share my truth with a man who could hurt me. There was a time in my early 20s where I had men in my life who were so cruel to me about my weight. I remembered how badly it crushed me. Yet it was also something I could control. As unhealthy as this sounds, I knew I could lose weight if I never wanted a man to be mean to me about my weight again. However, I had no control over my alopecia. If a man was mean to me about my bald head, there was nothing I could do change it. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. It sounds so f’d up and it is. What I should have thought is, “If I a man is mean to me about ANYTHING, BOY BYE! See you never!” Instead I let these fears and insecurities hold me back from putting myself out there. After my 35th birthday (after much gentle nudging from my BFFs) I FINALLY said yes to going out with two different guys I matched with on good ol’ Tinder. I made the decision not to tell either of them about my alopecia before the date. Date 1Let’s call him Gaston. Dude…Gaston was very touchy. (red flag) Like bro back off touchy. We were at a non-boozy brunch on a Sunday afternoon. Keep your hands to yourself sir! I had been out of the dating game for so long that I didn’t know if this was what the kids were doing these days. We were sitting next to each other at the bar of a brunch place, and I moved my bangs out of my face. Welp his first instinct was to reach over and move my bang out of my face. In doing so, he immediately touched my wig and froze, and I froze. My sweat mustache instantly started beading up. He looked at me and said, “Are you? Is that a…” to which I responded by shouting “I HAVE ALOPECIA!!” Played it really cool cow girl. He quickly asked what alopecia was and I explained. I was a nervous wreck. It was not in my plan to talk about any of this. I was shocked to realize he was okay with it. He even said it was cool that I could change my hair up with and wear different styles anytime I wanted. I told him I wanted to get a short wig, and he said “No! I like my girls with long hair” (reg flag) Then he randomly said, “You know what, nobody is perfect. I’ll tell you something about me…………..I’m lactose intolerant.” YOU GUYS. HE WAS NOT KIDDING AROUND. He was comparing my hair loss to him getting the toots after eating cheese. (RED FLAG) Finally at the end of the date, he scooped me up like a small child in the parking lot. (red flag) So yeah, that was the end of that. Date 2Let’s call him Joe Camel. This guy was super nice. We met at a bar to grab a beer and just chatted and laughed the night away. He stopped the conversation to take off his hat and tell ME that HE was bald!! He wanted to warn me incase that was a deterrent!!! I was shook. I immediately responded with, “Well I have alopecia and I am bald too!!!” We had a laugh about it and just went on with the conversation. The date was very fun, but he was smoker (spew). He even left the date to smoke a cig. I wasn’t feeling a romantic spark, and this is why I declined a date two. He was a great guy though, and I’m sure he is out there making some gal happy now. Shortly after that, I threw in the towel on online dating. I would keep swiping here and there, but had completely lost interest in trying to connect with people via an app. Even though my first two dates were totally cool with my alopecia, my fears about people’s reaction to this disease paralyzed my dating progress. I bet you’re wondering how the heck I got me a man without online dating. Welllllll…that is a story for another day 😊 I will share a few things about him though! I’ve never in my life been with a man who is so sweet, kind, and caring with my heart. My cat LOVES him! He is my best friend and he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the entire world no matter what I look like. I could be done up to the nines or a hot mess morning alien face. He always makes me feel so loved no matter what and my heart is so full. I’d say my picker is finally fixed!! I want my fellow alopecians to know that there are good humans out there who WILL love you and all your alopecia beauty. Having no hair just gives you a leg up because you can quickly weed out the people who don’t genuinely care about you for you. If someone is awful to you about your hair loss, that is 10000000% a reflection on themselves and has NOTHING to do with you. When someone is kind and accepting, that is the kind of person you DESERVE to have! Don’t sell yourselves short and keep the faith!

I got the baldie blues


I’m having one of those weekends where I feel jealous of girls with hair. I am emotionally cutting and scrolling hair envy pics on Instagram that are causing a giant jealous knot to build in my stomach. Since starting this blog, I’ve found it easier and easier to be positive about this disease. I’ve met so many rad chicks and dudes who are killing the alopecia game. They inspire me daily and have helped me accept this for what it is. But today I’m just feeling annoyed. When this all started, I always assumed my hair would come back. Now, I am less than 2 months shy of my FOUR year goodbye hairaversary. You’d think by now I wouldn’t even care. Yet today I scrolled page after page on Instagram feeling envious. This feeling of envy was immediately followed by a feeling of guilt. Guilt because so many of my friends are going through medical journeys that are so much harder, so much scarier, so much more trying. Guilt knowing that I have my health yet am sitting here throwing a pity party for no good reason. So yeah, I suppose its just one of those days where my sensitivity is at a level 847 billion. What do my fellow alopecians do when you have the baldie blues?

Alopecian Working Woman

Imagine this. Your hair is falling out by the handful. There is not a second of the day that passes where hair is not falling all over you. Nothing is stopping it. All you want to do is curl up in a ball under a cover and hide from the world. But shit, you can’t do that. You’ve got to pull your life together and go to work. Heck man, you’ve got bills to pay! Doctor appointments are not cheap, and insurance will laugh at you for wanting to get your experimental treatments covered. This is life with alopecia. This was my life with alopecia.  I had been working at my job for 4.5 years when I lost my first handful of hair. In fact, I was getting ready for work when it happened. I was on a conference call the day I realized the hair on my arms was gone. I was in my office cafeteria when I tearfully begged my doctor’s nurse to squeeze me in for an appointment to figure out what the heck was going on. I was in my cubicle the first time somebody panicked when they saw me and thought I had cancer. I was at the doctor’s office an hour before going to work when I learned that my immune system had fully turned on me and was going to more than likely take all my hair. The point is, alopecia and my job had somehow become super intertwined.  So how the heck did I find a way to balance the struggles of work with the struggles of alopecia?1. I shaved the last of my hair and started wearing a wig. You can’t be distracted by hair falling on you when there is no hair to fall. Wigs can be a challenge and require their own adjustment period. They can get hot during the day, they can itch, they can feel uncomfortable. For me, it was worth it to just feel a bit more like myself. It was worth it to not have people see me as this Gollum looking chick on a quest for a ring, and see me as the way I used to (sorta) see myself.2. I found a coworker friend family. Basically, I have a hype squad. It is pretty lucky if you ask me. If I was having a day where the struggle of transforming into a little bald alien was making me want to cry, I had my pick of friend cubicles that I could duck into to shed a tear or 8000.3. I got help. My depression was the worst of the worst when this all went down. My morning ritual consisted of me taking a picture of my head to see if there were any changes and then crying. Taking a shower and losing disgusting amounts of hair under the water and then crying. Looking at my hair in the rearview mirror of my car and then crying. Getting to work and walking into a bathroom stall and then crying. You get the picture here. It was a year and a half of releasing enough tears to start my own bottled salt water business. Jokes aside, my mental health was completely shot. I had thoughts of wishing semi-trucks would hit me on my drive to work to end it all. It was that bad. Finally, I made the best decision of my life. I found a psychologist. Alopecia is such a crazy disease. It effects your hair, but it truly can take a toll on your mental health. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the posts I read in the alopecia support group I am in. I know this from the messages I receive on my Instagram. I know that so many of my fellow alopecians are struggling and are having the same if not worse thoughts. I’m telling you friends; a little therapy goes a long ass way. Especially if you are career driven. It will give you a way to deal with your emotional struggles so you can come into work and be your best you. I’m not talking about the fake smile on the outside, weeping on the inside you (case and point me). I’m talking about the real smile on the outside, mostly smiles on the inside, ready to make that money you. Alopecia is a jerk who can take your hair, but it should not be the thing that takes your promotion!! Plus, wigs are hella expensive and you’re going to need that promotion money if wigs are your jam. 😊 But seriously, please, please, please get help if you’re struggling with this disease. Life is too short, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have success, you deserve to have it all! I can’t emphasize this enough.dc29f9dc-1b3b-4f0c-85cb-4d211404f3cd4. I opened up. At first, alopecia was my big secret. My coworker hype squad knew, but nobody else did. I expended a lot of energy hiding. I was perpetually afraid that someone would figure it out. I felt guilty if someone complimented my hair because I knew it wasn’t MY hair, it was my wig. I lied and told people I got extensions when I got a new longer wig. I was so scared that people would notice that my hairline periodically shifted throughout the day. I was scared that I’d accidently wipe my drawn-on eyebrow off while sitting at my desk. I thought for sure someone would look at me and realize my eyelashes did not exist. Constant anxiety. Then one day, I shared my story on Facebook. I made post public, and many coworkers who weren’t my fb friends could see it. The support blew my mind. It makes me wonder what I was so afraid of. Let’s say hypothetically, someone chose to be mean or shitty about it. Doesn’t that speak more about them as a person than me as a baldie? Now a days I’m very open about my alopecia at work. The energy that I used to waste hiding my bald girl secrets, I can now use to grow my career. What I realized is that I am a strong independent woman who don’t need no bald secretes to succeed!!e4ee8de1-e812-4f66-8214-2522d17b4100 I share my story to help. I wish there was a one sized fits all solution for alopecia struggles. I wish I could wave a wand over all my struggling baldies out there and help you get to where I am now. Sadly, its just not that simple. It is a journey and it takes time to find your new normal at your job or elsewhere. Never forget that your emotions are valid, your struggle is valid, it is not just hair, and you deserve a great freaking life!!!!!! You deserve to go into work and crush your job. Even if you’ve lost your happiness and drive along the way, I truly hope you never give up the fight to find it. You will find it. This I can promise you. Lots of love to you all!! Love, your little Baldie Boo.

Shout Out To My Scary Face

This one is a shout out to what I kindly refer to as my “scary face”. The one that I’ve been most scared to share with anyone let alone the world. The one that felt unrecognizable even to me. The one that’s cried endless tears, felt endless guilt, and felt completely alone.I’ve apologized for this face when others have had to see it. I’ve looked at this face in complete disgust. Who is this? Where did I go? When will I come back? I’ve been angry at this face for being a part of me.This is a shout out to this face that didn’t give up on me. That held out hope when hope felt impossible. That just kept swimming when I was drowning. That slowly but surely became a part of me. That is a part of my story that I’m choosing to no longer hide. That is a part of my story that I am (dare I say) proud of.This is a shout out to my “scary face”. img_1865img_1867

Go Shorty...Its my Birthday!

You guys…it’s happened. I’m officially closer to 40 than I am 30. I suppose technically that happened when I was 35 and 1 day, but from my brain’s perspective it didn’t happen until yesterday. Dun dun dunnnn. If 36-40 is anything like this bday weekend, then I have nothing to be afraid of. *says this while knocking on wood*…*okay it is fake wood..Target night stands for the win* I spent Saturday turning up with 30 something of my favorite humans. We went to Howl at the Moon and danced our little booties off!! If you’ve never been to howl, it’s a dueling piano bar that has a club/dance partayyy feel. 10/10 recommend if you like to drop it like its hot and take jell-o shot out of syringes. 0/10 recommend for food. We ordered cheesy tots that tasted like frozen tots that were microwaved for 37 seconds and served with luke warm nacho cheese. Which is fine because who gives a shit when you can distract yourself by dancing to pianos playing Cardi B?!
These last few months I’ve tried to focus more on things I’m grateful for. I truly believe you can change your life if you shift your focus from bitching about the bad to being thankful for the good. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not Susie sunshine and rainbows 24/7 365, but I’m doing may best to push out negativity from my life as best I can. That is why I'm choosing 5 things about ALOPECIA that I am grateful for. I will always think this disease is a douche canoe asshole, BUT today is my quest for the silver lining!1. Faster than the speed of light…she is ready! – I can leave the gym sweaty as hell, and look fresh faced and ready to go in 30 min. I can do it in under 30 min if I just wipe the sweat of my dome and throw on a wig. When I had hair, there was literally no way to accomplish this without looking like a ratchet mess. Win!2. Aint nobody got time for shaving – Not having to shave is the biggest blessing of all time. I don’t have to worry that I will have stubble 30 seconds after getting goosebumps. I don’t have to consider getting a blood transfusion after slicing open my leg in the shower. I don’t have to start saving for laser hair treatment. I don't have to spend stupid amounts of money on razors each one. Badabing! Win!3. Maybe she was born with it…maybe its Maybelline – Before alopecia, my makeup skillz were mediocre at best. I’m by no means Ash Holm or anything now, but I've learned a smidge more about how this makeup shiz works. I’m no longer deathly afraid of fake lashes or red lipstick. Heck by the end of this year I may even learn how to contour my face!! Either way I'm having so much fun with it. Sooooo...WIN!4. I got friends in low places – I have made some of the BEST baldie friends on the planet through this disease. Literally humans I have never once met, but are my ride or dies. I am forever grateful for the people alopecia has brought into my world. Without them, I probably would have never made it to this place of healing. Win!5. My cupeth fulleth – This blog has brought so much damn fulfillment into my life. It’s given me a sense of purpose and a drive to do more and do better. It is a feeling that I always knew was missing, but never knew how to attain. As a friend once said to me, "When you go through something traumatic, first you grieve, and then you determine what you can take from it to serve yourself and serve others". I think I'm finally figuring it out. Win!I know this list is silly, and if you’re experiencing hair loss, there is a chance you are scoffing at the thought of a silver lining. If you had told me 3 years ago there would be a silver lining, I would have probably kicked you in the shin. Now, I am holding onto hope that you will find it glimmer of hope. Last year I witnessed a lot of hard things happen to a lot of good friends. It has shaken me to my core. I realize more than ever that life is TOO DAMN SHORT to be ungrateful. I’m going to continue working on being grateful and maybe you will too, or maybe you will tell me to go suck a bag of Ds. Either way lets go live our best lives boos!

Get Me Off This Ride

Hello my little boo thangs. On Friday I was chatting with my friend Zigs about this blog. Zigs has been one of my biggest blog supporters from the jump. She mentioned how crazy it was that she didn't know anything about alopecia until we became friends. It is kinda wild that something that impacts my life so deeply is also something a lot of people haven’t even heard of. Somehow, I did know about alopecia long before I was diagnosed with it. I’m not sure how exactly. If I had to guess, I’d say it was from a Seventeen or YM magazine article (you know you grew up in the 90s if you know what YM is), or maybe an episode of Oprah? You get a wig! You get a wig! Who knows, but I’m glad I get to be part of the movement to spread awareness now. Today’s post should be shortish and sweet. I want to take you back to Fall of 2016. Temps were dropping, leaves were turning, and my hair was growing back. Say whaaaaat? You heard me right. My hair was back bitch (insert Britney Spears giphy here). I don’t know if the rest of the bald population experiences this, but when I’m not wearing my wig, I’m rubbing my head allllll the time. It has become a nervous habit of sorts. I was so used to feeling nothing but skin that I was in shock the day I thought I felt a thin layer of peach fuzz. I grabbed my iphone and positioned myself in front of a mirror to snap a pic. Which is shockingly harder than one would think. I zoomed in and sure as shit there it was...REGROWTH! Up until this point, I assumed regrowth was an urban legend in the alopecia universalis world. Sure I had heard stories of people going into spontaneous remission and growing their hair back. Was it possible that I was about to become one of those people who got to tell the same tale? Each day I would take a new picture and each day there was MORE HAIR! I started to refer to it as my hair Yamaka because it bore a little resemblance to one. I was so scared that one wrong move would cause it all to fall out again. At the same time, I started to get excited. I imagined it growing long enough to get extensions, and never having to wear a wig again. I even had my hair extension specialist picked out. I followed her posts on Instagram excited for the day that I could make my appointment.

That year I went back to Ohio for Christmas and New Year. When I got back to Denver, it took approximately one week for all of my regrowth to fall out. One freakin week... Once again I felt betrayed by my body. It felt like such a cruel joke. I was so excited for 3ish months, and in one week it was all ripped away from me again. I don’t know if something happened during that Ohio trip that caused my body to freak the fuck out again, or if it was just completely random. I will never know.
That experience taught me that I do not want my hair to grow back unless there is a 1000000000% chance it will never fall out again. I’d rather be bald for the rest of my life than get my hopes up only to have them bashed all over again. The roller coaster of emotions that comes along with growth/loss is one that I’d prefer not to ride. My emotions take me on enough roller coaster rides that I think I’m set for a lifetime.

To Shave Or Not To Shave? That Is The Question...

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What up baldie boo crew! Its been a week of fighting off the bronchitis for this girl! I swear everybody and their brother is sick in my office. Nothing like the sounds of hacking coughs and flem to kick off a work week. Ick! Thanks to the magic of some meds, an inhaler, and a netti pot, I seem to be on the mend. So much so that I was able to spend two hours navigating the jungle that is IKEA yesterday, and made it to a basketball game to watch my CAVS get sadly demolished by the Nugs. Womp womp. I’m just happy I’m not a feeble Franny snot fest anymore, so I can’t complain. For this week’s blog, I thought I’d address something many alopecians face…to shave or not to shave? That is the question. This is a really tough one, and one that I definitely struggled with. Looking back, I’d say I waited wayyyy too long to shave my head. When my hair was falling out, I could not fathom losing it all. In my head, I was going to grow it back. The pills the derm had me popping were gonna work. The homeopathic shampoo bar and oils were going to work. My paleo diet was going to work. Meditating was going to work. I was convinced something was going to freaking work. It was not an option for me to shave, because my hair was going to grow back!!! Shaving it meant I was accepting it, and I was so far from that. I wasn't about to succumb to a razor and become a bald woman. No way Jose. Turns out when my body hears "no way Jose" it just laughs while doing whatever  the hell it wants. Who knew?! The thing about holding onto those last few strands, is that it amplified my alopecia emotionally. There was so much pain that came with physically feeling my hair fall out every single second of every single day. Even when I was sleeping! My poor cat Jasper (shout out Twilight) used to love jumping on my pillow and sleeping near my head. As a crazy cat lady, I obviously loved every second of it until alopecia struck. During this period, I HATED it. I would wake up multiple times throughout the night in a panic that more and more hair was being ripped out each time he jumped up on my pillow for cuddles. Way to ruin cat cuddles alopecia. As if you weren’t already rude enough! While I wasn’t “sick”, I looked sick. It looked like I was battling far more than my autoimmune system being an asshole. One day I was facetiming with my mom crying as usual. Crying seems to be a common theme for my alopecia journey. My mom suggested shaving my head. She said it might make me feel better, and she ended up being right. Yes mom, you read that correctly, I said you were right. This ONE time you were right. 😉 I did cry my eyes out (staying on brand) while getting my head shaved, but afterwards it felt better not having to physically feel the loss anymore. It was a new normal, but the constant dread that came along with washing my hair, taking off my topper (my hair would get stuck in the clips and rip out), feeling pieces fall on me at work, waking up and seeing how much less hair I had than the day/week/month before was finally gone. That dread caused me massive amounts of anxiety, and it was freeing not to feel it anymore. I suppose its sorta like breaking up with a shitty boyfriend. You know the type. The one you will bend over backwards for to keep, even though they treat poop better than you. Even so, when you break up you think your world is ending, but what really happens is that you have your come to Jesus moment and realize life is so much better being free of that pain……in the ass douche canoe. We've all been there LOL.
 What should you do? Shoot this is a hard one to give advice on because alopecia is soooo different for every single person. There is no guarantee that your body will act like mine, and there is no guarantee your body won’t act like mine. What I can tell you, is that you should seriously consider the impact on your emotional health. If you’ve lost a crap ton of hair, is it going to benefit you emotionally to keep hanging on, or would it be better to just shave it, get wiggy with it, and wait and see what happens after? I’ve yet to meet a single alopecian who regretted shaving the last pieces off. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, or even talk to me! Get yourself a solid support system that will have your back no matter what your decision ends up being. Always listen to your gut, and know there is a whole baldie boo community out there who will have your back! We got you boo! We got you!

Brows on Fleek

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Happy New Year friends!! Resolutions aren’t really my jam, but I love me a New Year! I enjoy the perception of a fresh start and the feeling of putting the past year behind me. This year is a little different because I actually really loved 2018. This is the first time in a long time that I’m not eager to complete one year and start over. I’m hoping 2019 will step up and say, “Oh you think 2018 was good? You ain’t seen nothin yet sista friend!” Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Today I want to talk a little bit about transition from alopecia areata (hair loss in small patches on my scalp) to alopecia universalis (full body hair attack leaving me with the same amount of hair as your local beluga whale). I lost my scalp hair and arm hair around the same time. The rest of my hair remained. Still had to shave my legs, still had to thread my brows and wax off my mustache. I really wanted things to stay that way. I told myself that I could handle losing my scalp hair, but if I lost my eyebrows or eyelashes, I would not be able to handle it. For about a year my body granted my wish and life was as dandy as it can be for a bald, single, 30 something gal. Then in the spring of 2016, my immune system decided to flip me the bird and started to attack my eyebrows. I was SUCH a mess during this time frame. I’ve spent the greater part of my adult life focusing on health and nutrition. I work out 6 days a week and I eat healthy most of the time. I do this so I can have control of what I look like. Alopecia ripped that control away from me. There was literally nothing I could do to stop my body from waging this war. Let me tell you, I tried EVERYTHING the internet offered up as a suggestion. Apple cider vinegar shots, experimental medical treatments, writing in a gratitude journal, eating paleo, eliminating gluten, black caster oil, essential oil potions, the list goes on and on. It became crystal clear that my immune system had full control and I had 0. This was infuriating, and I felt like the universe was punishing me for no reason. I was pity partying like it was 1999 day in and day out. Losing eyebrows was a whole new ball game. You never realize just how much your eyebrows impact your appearance until they are gone. I would look in the mirror and bawl because I didn’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I was SO angry at my body, so angry at the world, and if I’m being honest, I was so angry at God as well. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I would beg God to make it stop and tell him that it wasn’t making me stronger, that it was making me want to stop living. Again disclaimer, I realize now looking back that alopecia is not a reason to stop living. However, at that time the culmination of years of emotionally painful events was overwhelming and alopecia felt like the straw that was breaking this camel’s back.
I finally made the decision to get my brows microbladed. My BFF Tiffany recommended her friend Lea to me. Lea is my eyebrow angel. I was so scared when I met her for our initial consultation. I mean I was about to let someone tattoo my face. I could leave looking fabulous, or I could leave looking like Maleficent. I realllly didn’t want to look like an Indian Maleficent. The second I met Lea, all of those worries faded away. 1. Lea is stunningly beautiful. I knew if she could make my brows 1/18 as nice as hers, I would be okay. 2. She has the most amazing positive energy. She loved my bald head and spoke about my features in such an uplifting away that I actually felt pretty when I was around her. 3. She was an absolute saint when it came to my crazy ass body. Fun fact, if you have alopecia there is also a chance your body will reject the microblading ink. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and its not typical. Of course, it happened to me. A few days into the healing process the majority of the hair strokes were gone, and I was completely devastated. It was like losing my natural brows all over again. Lea however, was not going to let me throw in the towel. She insisted I would have brows, and did not have a speck of doubt that I would. I can’t remember exactly how many times I went back to see her, but she was totally right. Girlfriend gave me brows again! It gave me back a sense or normalcy. When I took my makeup off at the end of the day, I no longer felt like an alien version of myself. I no longer felt like the person looking back at me in the mirror was a total stranger. I felt like I received a tiny piece of me back. Thank you, Lea, I will forever be so unbelievably grateful for you and your kind, sweet, positive soul. For my readers, if any of you are in Denver and are considering getting your brows did, you need to go check her out at The Brow Bar & Co. No this is not an ad, just a friend guiding you to my eyebrow angel who will 100% make sure your eyebrows are on fleek.
I lost my lashes in 2017, and while I was annoyed by it, it wasn’t crushing. At that point I had to just throw my hands up in the air and laugh. I’ve always worn top lid liner, so it was not noticeable to anyone unless they were inches away from my face. If you’re inches away from my face, there’s a bigger problem than me not having lashes LOL. Somewhere in 2017 I lost the rest of my body hair including my nose hair. To be honest, I love the fact that I don’t have to shave my legs. I love the fact that my arms no longer look like I am part Woolly Mammoth. It does create a new normal though. For instance, you forget that brows, lashes, and nose hair actually serve a purpose. I cannot tell you how much crud would make its way into my eyeballs. For someone with no hair, I seemingly always had cat hair in my eye. I quickly learned the importance of nose hair the first time I cried without nose hair. It was as if someone had turned on a snot fountain. I was simply not prepared for that. In 2018 I got my lashes and some of my nose hair back. Needless to say, this has made allergy season far more bearable. Welp, that’s all I’ve got for today my loves. I hope you are all having an amazing start to the New Year!!! I wish everyone a year filled with abundant blessings –lots of love, happiness, money, joy, and relationships. Talk to you next week boos!

2018 Year In Review

The holidays are a weird time for me. I’m not sure exactly why, but there is something about the time frame between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day that always spikes my depression and anxiety. Even this year when everything has been on the up and up. Here I am, in my head in a funk. Do I have a reason to feel this way? Nope, sure don’t. But that’s the thing about depression, it never really chooses a reasonable time to show up. Sometimes it just wants to make an appearance as a quick reminder that it can hide, but it can also come back anytime it wants. Rude AF. I think the obvious reason here is that I’m 35 and spending yet another holiday alone. Which in theory is fine because I’m totally okay with being single. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, every year that I have been in a relationship during the holidays, it’s never been Hallmark movie worthy. If anything, its been the exact opposite and included me feeling more alone in the relationship than I feel now as a single lady (insert Beyonce hand motion here). Maybe that’s it. That the holidays remind me that I’ve never had a holiday with a man friend who has truly made me feel loved or special. Instead its usually me, scrolling through social media and talking to my friends while being envious (maybe a smidge jealy) of the man friends they have who make them feel like princesses. Luckily as history goes, this feeling will start to fade away after my birthday and will make its final exit after Valentine’s day. I guess you can say, I’m so ready for February! Denver February means that pool weather is just a hop, skip, and jump away (why does saying that make me feel like an elementary teacher?) Just gotta tough it out until my bald butt is laying pool side making this tan skin even tanner (now its your turn to be jealy 😊) I’m sooo ready for it!For this week’s post, I thought I’d do a 2018 year in review and share some of my most favorite memories of this past year. Hope you enjoy and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!1. I turned THIRTY FIVE! The scary age that happened after I passed my original scary age of 30. I celebrated with not one but two boozy brunches, and realized that brunch is my new most favorite meal of the day. It was also when I made a conscious decision to start having more fun and go out there and live that YOLO  best life. A decision that made 2018 one of the best years so far!Bday BrunchIMG_49092. I got to see my most favorite kids from Akron (Lebron James obvi..no offense if you are one of my friends from Akron, I still love you just as much) playing in Denver. At the time I was hoping, wishing, praying, it wouldn’t be my last time getting to see him play in CAVS wine and gold, but alas it was. I hate to break it to you Bron, but purple and yellow will never look as good as wine and gold. Just sayin! PS I miss you and please come back!!IMG_51423. OMG I went on my first dates since losing my hair and my first dates using a dating app. This will for sure be its own blog entry at another time. Yes, it was awkward, hilarious, fun, and wayyyy outside of my comfort bubble as expected. I went on two dates with two different dudes and didn’t go on a single other date after that. Baby steps people, baby steps.3334732ba6b6d378052a318ffe6d4dfa4. This is a sad one. I had to say goodbye to my little kitty Jasper. I got him in 2009, and he traveled with me from Ohio to Denver. He was my #1 sidekick through all of the rough times, the good times, and everything in between. Saying goodbye to him was one of THE HARSDEST things I ever had to do. I miss you every single day my little buddy.IMG_5208IMG_52255. Got my first Shuly wig!! This is my 3rd human hair wig since losing all of my hair, and it is hands down my most favorite. The hair quality is amazing and it is everything I’ve wanted in a wig and more. If I was a baller shot caller, you better believe I’d fly my butt to NYC to get a dozen more. But one will have to do for now 😊Snapseed6. Took my first trip to NASHVegas to celebrate my BFF Heather’s Bachelorette weekend!! The trip was a total blast!! I literally don’t understand how college kids in Nashville can graduate. How can you choose studying over all of the other fun things to do out there?! Props to you if you’ve done it. This trip was interesting because it was my first time having girlfriends see me first thing in the morning…no hair…no makeup….full bald…eyebrowless Supriya. Straight up ET phone home alien mode. I had MAJOR anxiety about it the entire trip, but everyone there made it so easy me. Pro tip--if you want to know how to make peace with alopecia, find yourself a strong AF girl squad who will give you all of the confidence in the world!IMG_55027. TAYLOR SWIFT. Yes, I am a 35 year old Swifty. Yes, I jumped all of these verified fan hoops to secure my place in the ticket line. Let me tell you, it was all WORTH it. I don’t know about you, but I was feeling 22 that night!IMG_56298. Had another family reunion in Siesta Key. 900000% humidity is worth it for fun vacations with the fam!IMG_08789. I moved on up! Literally. I moved up one floor into a new renovated apartment that I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE! Thank you renovations, target, and hobby lobby for making my girlie decorating dreams come true.bb098547333b1cf2a7d73bbacde4c71e10. After 6 months of being pet free, I adopted a tiny little kitten and named him Neville Longbottom! He is the cutest, funniest, craziest wild man of a cat. Everyday he makes me laugh and he is currently curled up next to me while I type this blog. I may suck at relationships, but man am I great at being a cat mom.IMG_639811. Last, but not least, I started this BLOG!!! After months and months of feeling unfilled with life, of feeling like the world was going to shit and I was doing nothing to contribute to society, I decided to get off my overly anxious butt and do something about it. Here I am sharing my story with family, friends, and strangers, all while making new alopecia friends every single day. I cant wait to see what this blog will bring me in the New Year!IMG_0615HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! Hope you all are safe, have fun, and drink lots of Pedialyte. Nobody wants to start a new year with a new hangover. Am I right? Talk to you in 2019 boos!! 

What Not To Do When Your Nail Tech Calls You Fat

Oh hello friends. It’s almost Christmas and that is completely insane. Its about 60 degrees in Denver today, so it surely doesn’t feel like almost Christmas. This time of the year means that I’m only a couple months away from my bday. Next year I am turning 36 and that is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Getting older is so weird because when you’re younger you think 36 sounds SO OLD. You assume by 36 you will have everything figured out. But with 36 less than 2 months away, the only thing that I have figured out is my reality tv lineup. Have you ever watched Love After Lockup? Because OMG you HAVE to watch Love After Lockup. It is the worst and the best all rolled up into one glorious hour.I thought today I’d dive a little bit deeper into that time frame in between losing my first handful of hair and shaving my head. I keep using the Gollum reference, so to stay on brand lets call these the Gollum months. When I first realized that I was losing way more hair than my normal shedding, I thought it was weird, but I wasn’t alarmed yet. I honestly didn’t even think it was related to my alopecia because my alopecia had never acted like that. I thought it would just stop in a couple days, but as you can tell by my shiny dome, I thought very wrong. I remember the day of sheer panic when I realized something was very wrong. I was sitting at work on a conference call and had my sleeves rolled up. I looked down at my arms and realized my arm hair was GONE. Now I am of Eastern Indian decent. My arm hair was never thin. I basically had Chewbacca hairy arms, but today it looked like someone had nair’d them in my sleep. Am I dating myself? Is nair still a thing? Do the youths know the struggle of using chemical cream to remove your lady mustache leaving you with a smooth but slightly chemically burned upper lip? Anywho, I saw this and FREAKED OUT. It was at that moment I realized that I could be losing ALL of my hair. I kept telling myself, its not alopecia, its not alopecia. This is because I didn’t want it to be alopecia. I knew damn well that there is no cure for alopecia. I needed it to be something with a cure. I thought if I said it enough I could convince my body of it. That I could go into the doctor, have them tell me it’s a thyroid issue, give me a bottle of pills, and my problems would be fixed. Of course, that is not what happened. Instead I went to my dermatologist and he told me I was having an alopecia flare up. Can we talk about my derm Dr. Norris for a moment? He is literally the sweetest, best dermatologist on the planet. I’ve bawled my eyes out in his clinic a million times over, and he is soooo kind and sweet. Always comforting me and saying, “Its okay, I know how tough it is, we see a lot of tears in the hair clinic.” Today Dr. Norris broke the news to me and I was crushed. There are not any alopecia cures, but there are many experimental treatments. Dr. Norris had a plan of attack and we were going to give it a shot. I was willing to try anything to keep my hair. He started me on a course of prednisone and methotrexate. Yes, methotrexate is used for chemo, but at these smaller doses its not considered chemo.Have you ever taken prednisone before? I like to kindly refer to it as the devil drug. Why you ask? Because it fucked shit up for me. My body has always been overly sensitive to medications and I often get side effects. Boy did I ever. My mood was wild. Anything could make me cry. I would go from normal, happy, fine, to rage filled, blood boiling, emotional mess. It made me ungodly hungry, and while I stopped eating carbs during that time to prevent the weight gain, I still gained. Mostly in my face and gut. I don’t blame Dr. Norris for any of this of course. Everyone’s body acts differently and mine was acting like an angsty teenage girl who got her cell phone taken away. Unfortunately, my flare up continued to progress and I had to make my very first hair investment—a topper. A topper is basically hair you clip onto the top of your head to make it look like you have hair when yours is thinning away. I hated that thing SO MUCH. It would rip more hair out every time I unclipped it. It never felt secure on my head. I hated the way it looked in photographs. It honestly just made me miss my old hair that much more.During this time frame I remember having an extra shitty, I feel fugly pity party day. I decided to go get my nails did. I wanted to be comfortable, so I didn’t wear the topper. Instead I put those feeble remaining pieces of hair into a teeny tiny side braid and hoped for the best. Welp…best is not what I got lol. I was sitting in the nail chair and the lady immediately asked about my hair. From the jump I felt like crying. Next, I thought she asked me if I had gained weight, but I also thought I misheard her because WHO ASKS THAT?!?!?!? I asked her to repeat herself and then the technician next to her looked at me and said, “she wants to know if you gained weight because we can see it in your face.” I shit you not. OF COURSE I had gained weight. I had been pumping my body full of prednisone and my face looked like a little puff ball. I responded by shaking my head and holding back my tears. I used every single ounce of strength not to start crying in that salon chair. My hands were even shaking at one point. The second I walked out of the salon, I bawled and bawled and bawled my eyes out. I walked into my apartment, laid on the floor and bawled some more. That day getting my nails done didn’t make me feel cute, it made me feel like a fat, ugly sea slug. Womp womp.Stuff like that continued to happen, but never as bad as that day. I recall a shocked coworker thinking I had cancer. I remember walking into my crossit, and immediately crying for no reason at all. I had SERIOUS pony tail envy lol. Who gets jealy of a pony tail? Oh yeah, I did because all I wanted was my pony tail back. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, thank goodness I had my crossfit family on my side. The same goes for my work fam. For every tear there was a hug, for every break down, there was a text, for every sad cubicle talk there was an ear to listen. I’m not sure I would have had the will to push through those awful months if it wasn’t for all of them. My Ohio fam and friend fam were such amazing long-distance support too. I remember calling my best friend Kristin at 6AM because I realized my hair loss was moving to places on my head where it couldn’t be hidden. I completely broke down to her on the phone while she was getting ready for work and she still took the time to patiently listen and help me get through it. The feeling of loss was so real and so overwhelming.
Alopecia_Pony2Now let’s fast forward to today. I was brunching (PS brunch is a VERY regular occurrence in my life #BasicAF) with my friends Kera, Rachel, and Mattie. Rachel asked me what my long-term goal is with this blog. I think its just this. To share these raw emotions and stories. To be able to connect with people who are going through this and help them feel less alone. To help people going through alopecia know that their emotions are valid, that their feelings are real, that its okay to feel sad no matter how many times people tell you “at least its just hair”. If I can help one person struggling, then I know I am doing the right thing. 😊 That’s all for now friends. Hope you have a fabulous week my sweet boos!! Byeeeee.

The Baldie Boo Story

One week ago, I posted my first blog and launched my Baldie Boo Instagram. I’m so blown away by the response and am excited to see what is to come. The fact that strangers are reaching out to me with their own alopecia stories is legit the best ever. Sharing is caring with this disease, that’s for damn sure. So, speaking of sharing, I thought I’d take a little trip down memory lane, and share some deets on my alopecia journey. Buckle up kids and bring your lint rollers because shit is about to get hairy.First, I need to rewind back to 2013. Actually, lets throw it back one more to 2012. 2012 was not a good year in my life. I was in a dumpster fire of a relationship. I was living in Colorado and my only real Colorado best friend was my boyfriend of 2 years (because I moved to Colorado with him in 2010). Now typically you don’t use dumpster fire and BFF to describe the same relationship, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbled. I made A LOT of poor life decisions in that relationship. I mean I look back at 2010-2013 Supriya and think, good lord woman, get it together!!! The list is endless and to say I ignored the red flags is the understatement of the century. Times were bad for my little brain and I didn’t have any real friends or family out here to shake me until I started making sensible choices. Instead I started to drown in my abyss of emotions and my depression and anxiety were at a whole new level of bad news bears. Now back to 2013. I’m at Target, living my best life, buying all the things I do not need. The Target dressing room has a million mirrors, so you can see every awkward angle of yourself and be horrified. Well today I happened to have my hair up in a pony tail and was trying on something or another. I look in the mirror and can see the back-left side of my lower scalp. I notice a coin shaped patch of skin near my pony tail. After much maneuvering and trying to capture it on my phone, I realized it was for sure a bald spot. I go to the doctor, he ships me off to a derm, he looks at the spot and says yup its alopecia. He shoots it up with some steroid injections (not the gym brah kind) and sends me on my way. I’ll get into treatment options in a later blog, but this is one of them. I continued to get these less than pleasant scalp injections for the next few months and poof my hair grew back! Phew!!Now lets fast forward to 2015. Things in life are turning aroundISH. I had signed up for crossfit at the end of 2013 and for the first time in my Colorado life I had friends. Not just casual acquaintances, but actual ride or die type friends. My relationship is over, but at the end of that dumpster fire relationship, I was about 87 levels below rock bottom. I hated myself more than anyone or anything…and if I’m being nitty gritty honest here, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be around in the world anymore. Depression is such a fuck. It had taken over every ounce of my body. It was a serious climb to start building myself back up to okay…let alone good. Making real friends was a great starting point though. For the first time since moving to Colorado, I had people in this state who genuinely cared for me and loved me. I had been surrounded by so much self-inflicted negativity for so long that it was a new normal to function around caring, loving people again. So, I’m out here living life and starting to dig out of my hole. My little brain was still in rough shape though. I would fake happy around my friends and come home and crumple up in a heap and just cry and cry and cry. Life felt impossible most days. Like I said, depression is a FUCK. I get man, if you’ve been blessed enough to never have had depression or anxiety, this all probably sounds like nonsense to you. If I could have just flipped a switch and changed things, you better believe I would have. But I was just so very stuck, and mentally I was average at best. I wasn’t seeking out therapy or medication to deal with these issues at that time, so my emotions just festered in me until my body had had enough.In May of 2015 I was getting ready for work. I love big ass hair, so I of course was teasing mine, when I noticed a pile of hair in my hands. I’ve always been a shedder, but this seemed like a large amount. From that day on, my hair fell out piece by piece, handful by handful, all day long. I would shower and the tub would be covered in obscene amounts of hair. It would fall while I was driving, while I was working out, while I was sleeping. ALL DAY LONG.  I went to the doctor and he told me I was having an alopecia flare up. While there is no known official cause for alopecia, he attributed it to my emotional stress. I was given some medication and told not to stress out…which let me tell you is a really easy thing to do when your hair is falling out by the handful…NOT LOL. This is when I entered my Gollum months. Now I don’t actually watch Lord of the Rings, but I know Gollum. Him and I looked like total twinsies during this time. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. We basically had the same who wore it best hairstyle. My hair continued its mass exodus and by August it was basically all gone.
I went to a salon called Hanas Designs and purchased my first full wig. Hana shaved off my last few strands of hair while I sat in her chair bawling my eyes out. This was the day I made wearing wigs trendy…sorry Kylie I got you beat! Those 4 months of hair loss were just so awful. I felt like I was losing my identity, my femininity my self-worth strand by strand. I know, I know, I know, its just hair. Trust me I KNOW. But I want to be raw and honest about my experience and that is what I was feeling. I didn’t think my depression and anxiety could get worse, but man oh man did this crush me. My desire to live was just so little. Looking at this now, I realize how silly that sounds. Life is so precious and such a gift, but back then I am not exaggerating when I say depression had taken over every damn ounce of my body. So, this is where I began my journey into bald life.This story is long, and I don’t want to turn this blog entry into encyclopedia volumes A-F. I’m gonna pause here, but I will continue in a later post. For now...To Be Continued...Reading this part of my story seems so surreal now. Its just a few years later yet I am SUCH a different person now. I was at a holiday party yesterday with some of my old crossfit friends, and my friend Jenny mentioned how I seemed the happiest she’s ever seen me. It’s the truth! Life is for real good so damn good now. While this entry is emotionally intense, the light at the end of the tunnel was nearer than I realized at that time. So that’s all for now. Talk to you soon my fellow baldie and non-baldie boos!! Come back soon! xoxoxo 

Oh Hi!

in

Hey guys. Welcome to my blog! A little about me. My name is Supriya and I have alopecia universalis. For those of you who don’t know, at a very high level, alopecia is an autoimmune disease that causes your body to wage a war against your hair follicles. It can come in the form of areata (bald patches), totalis (losing all scalp hair) and universalis (bye bye all hair..its been real). Anywho, this disease has taken me on quite the little journey over the past 3.5 years. So I thought I’d give this blogging thing a go and share my story. The longer I have this disease, the more passionate I become about sharing my experiences in hopes of helping others who suffer from hair loss. But lets be real here, this journey has been tough and I am by no means a picture of perfection. I am just a gal who has things to say and maybe there are a few bald gals or guys out there who can relate. If not, that’s cool too, I’ll just sit here and talk to myself. No big deal. LOL. For my inaugural post, I thought I’d share my alopecia “coming out” social media post circa 2015. Before I get there, I want to share a few other random fun facts about myself completely unrelated to anything of importance. Icebreaker...the blog version.• I excel at binge watching TV. Give me a series, and I’ll watch a season in a weekend. I probably shouldn’t be bragging about this? Maybe this is why I’m a single awkward cat lady and not a 2 cool for school married person? Hmmm...• Speaking of, I have a little kitten and he is a wild man. When he isn’t trying to use my arm as a scratching post, he is pretty dang cute. Oh yeah, his name is Neville and you guessed it...I love me some Harry Potter (and periods of ellipses apparently) and yes he is House Gryffindor and I am a Puff...still struggling to figure out HOW I could be single LMAO.• I’m obsessed with the CAVS and am so sad Lebron wears purple and yellow now. ☹ I mean it legit HURTS. Ouch.• I love working out but I also love chocolate chip cookie cake…the struggle is SO DAMN REAL MAN!!Okay enough randomness for now. Trust me there will be way more where that came from. While alopecia is a part of my life, some days my life is like a weird Truman show world filled with awkward encounters and MANY laughable moments that I swear people are filming and laughing at. You best believe I will talk about those too.I plan on blogging about random adventures in bald life—working out, dating (UGH), wigs, eyebrows, fake lashes, funny mishaps, and whatever else that pops into my brain. If you have something you’d like to hear more about, feel free to shoot me some questions, comments, concerns. I’ll re-iterate I’m no expert in this, I’m just a work in progress willing to share her journey along the way. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Check out my social media “coming out” below and I’ll see ya on the next post boo!!SupriyaAlopecia_BackAlopecia_YardI've been going back and forth about posting these for some time now, but since you're reading this it means I finally grew a pair and posted 😳. Don't worry I do not have cancer. I do have an autoimmune disease called alopecia, and two years ago my body thought it would be super fun to start attacking my hair until I had none left. Pretty rude if you ask me. May of 2015 I was doing my hair and noticed a pile of hair in my hands. For the next 4 months my hair fell out by the handful. Finally I caved and shaved the last few strands off and started living the wig life. (I was doing it before Kylie Jenner made it trendy). The summer of 2016 alopecia decided to take my eyebrows. So now they are a combination of tattoos and makeup. Yes that means my first and only tattoo was a face tat. 😧 Finally this year I lost my lashes. I'm now officially hair free. Best disease ever neck down (free laser..am I right?!), not so fun lashes up.As someone who has been battling depression, anxiety, and body image issues the bulk of her adult life, alopecia was a crushing blow. It's not all that surprising to me that my biggest medical hurdle to date was caused by my own body attacking itself. Being my own worst enemy tends to be the story of my life.Losing your hair is a weird thing. Everyone tells you "at least you're not dying"...which is true and something I'm beyond thankful and grateful for. But losing my identity strand by strand was not exactly the best feeling in the world either. Maybe it sounds vain, but I've spent many many tearful days consumed with sadness, missing the person I used to be..physically at least. I was already getting myself out of a rock bottom part of my life when this disease entered my world, and it definitely slammed me right back down to rock bottom in a hot second.Im not sure why I'm making this part of my life Facebook official now. Maybe it means I'm finally making peace with things? Maybe it's because through this process I've cut out the most toxic people I've ever had in my life and replaced them with some of the most amazing humans on the planet who have accepted me, loved me (hair or no hair), and supported me every second of this nightmare. Or maybe it's just so someone else who may be going through a shitty shitty time can see that things can get better. Because it does get better. Even when it feels physically and mentally impossible. It gets better. Somehow some way.Either way that's my story. If you've read this far into my novel of a post, thank you for reading. Also I may or may not be throwing up after hitting post. Not nervous about this at all. 😰😰😰😬😬😬😱PS if you have any alopecia questions, please don't hesitate to ask!📷cred: the AMAZING Green Chair Stories